Learning to Awaken Grace

We would be celebrating Bentlee’s 6^th birthday tomorrow, and he would be over halfway done with his Kindergarten year of school.  I wonder what kind of birthday party he would have requested?  Things would be so much different with him here with us.  Evie would have a best friend and partner in crime, and this mama would definitely have her hands full, but I'd be loving every minute of it. 

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my son.  When I lost him, I also lost his future.  I didn’t just lose him at 3 months old, I lost him at 1, and 2, and 10, and 16, and every year in between and beyond.  Every year that passes I lose him all over again.  I grieved the loss when he passed, and I will forever grieve the loss of who he would be.      

There will never be a day, a minute, or a second that I stop loving my son, nor will there be a time when I “move on” or “get over” his death.  There is no bandage to stop the bleeding of this broken heart or a magic glue to put together the broken pieces.  I will always wonder what my son would look like as the years pass by, and imagine how his personality would grow and change with him - just as much as there will never come a time when I don’t envision how seamlessly he would have fit into our family. 

Grief lasts a lifetime because love does.  When you lose a child you don’t stop loving them.  You love them through every missed birthday, holiday, and milestone.  You love them through the first days of school and graduations that will never happen.   Time does not make the empty chair at Thanksgiving dinner, the empty space in family pictures, or the forever hole in our hearts any less empty.  The love, the grief, and the emptiness will stay with us forever.

I have always wanted to do something to honor Bentlee to keep his memory alive.  I have done small pay-it-forward type actions, and started traditions for Evalee and I to help her understand and remember her brother, but until this past year, I had not been able to find my place in this world to make a difference and honor him at the same time. 

This past year, I was asked by the founder of the Awakening Grace Foundation if I would join them in carrying out their mission to provide resources and support services to families enduring the loss of child in pregnancy or early infancy.  Completely honored, I accepted.  It has taken me some time to come full circle with my place within Awakening Grace, and at times wondered if it was the right fit.  These two women have so much passion and drive, and I have had six years to learn a new normal in dealing with the grief of the loss of a child.  I didn’t know if I had what it was going to take, but through a lot of thought, and deep discussion, it dawned on me that this is exactly what I needed. 

This opportunity presented itself at a time in my life that I needed it the most.  You see – we bereaved mothers are thrown into this club that you can never leave, and although you never wish it upon anyone to join your club, this club is so bitterly sweet because in its immense sorrow, it is made up of these beautiful, compassionate, loving, resilient, powerhouse women.  They are relentless survivors, and hands down the most life-changing people I have ever met.

I am learning so much about myself through Awakening Grace.  There are so many things I had no idea that I didn’t know how to feel, and so many wounds I didn’t know were still raw.  I am learning to open up and use my life experiences to help others, and inevitably, doing what I have wanted to do all along – honor the memory of my son by making a difference, and I have Awakening Grace to thank for that.

"All We Can Do Is Learn to Swim..."

Something happened to me this week, and it had me questioning if I was really ok.  I put on a strong, happy face to most people, and the majority of the days, I really am doing pretty ok, but there is a good amount of time that I am still dealing with the struggles and emotions that come with death of loved ones. 

This past weekend, Evie and I went to Correctionville to visit Nick’s family – our very dear friends – a second family as I like to think of them.  It had been far too long, and it was so wonderful to visit and catch up.  A new baby, a growing toddler…it seemed like everyone had new and exciting things going on in their lives, and it felt so wonderful to be able to connect again.  I missed them, Evie missed them, and part of my soul craves their presence in our lives.  They are part of us now, and I can't imagine life without them in it.

We had a wonderful time, and I am so glad we went to see them, but I couldn't help but notice myself being more quiet that usual, or the overwhelming sense of emotion that overcame me a couple of times while we were there.  I wasn't sure if it was seeing Nick's picture, seeing his loyal German Shepherd, or just being in the home that Nick was so proud to bring me to meet his parents the first time - likely a combination of all of the above. 

The drive home made me a little somber as well.  The route I had routinely taken when I went to see Nick had been closed off for the longest time due to construction, but is finally now open again, so I took the route home I had taken so many times before.  I couldn't believe something so simple as a driving route could bring back so many emotions.  I had driven that route many times after his passing, and it hadn't made me emotional many of those times, why now?  Why did this visit and this drive make me so teary-eyed?  I couldn't put my finger on it.

I started to really question if I was ok, and if I had "grieved properly".  I wondered if I was still hanging onto something that I needed to let go of.  I mean, it has been over two years since we lost him, and I shouldn't still be dealing with these emotions, right?  I'm sure many of you are thinking the same thing...that someone who lost her boyfriend almost three years ago should have long moved on...

Society tells us there is this "grieving process"...a smooth line we are supposed to follow through the journey of grief.  It outlines steps to follow along the way...things we are supposed to feel at different stages of this grieving game. 

In a perfect world, everything would have a clear-cut process.  We would know exactly how to get from point A to point B with no bumps or detours in between.  Our paths would all look like the same beautifully drawn, smooth, straight line.  

The reality is, there is no scientific formula for grief.  Not one person's path is going to look just like the other's.  You can't tell anyone what they are going to feel at any point in their grieving journey because as much as we would like to be able to control and predict everything, it just simply is not possible.

Of all the definitions and comparisons for grief out there, I found this to be the most accurate in my opinion:

 

For the rest of my life, that Ocean water is going to continue to be unpredictable.  There are going to be times that the grief comes and rips my feet right from under me.  This past weekend the water in my Ocean was overwhelming, but I didn't drown because through all the ups and downs of this insane hand I have been dealt in life, I have learned to be a damn good swimmer. 

Dear Bentlee

Dear Bentlee,

This time of year my mind frequently wanders back to 2011, the year I became a mommy for the first time.   Some days it's hard to believe that it has been five years.  It goes back to the short three and a half months I had with you on this Earth.  It re-lives the hospital stay, the first few sleepless nights, all the snuggles, the coos, the lullabyes, and all of the nights I rocked you to sleep while your daddy was working late.  I cherished those nights alone with you – I would rock you and watch you sleep until I couldn’t stay awake myself any longer. 

You were such a content baby.  Your grandma always tells me that you had the same temperament I had as a little one.  I’ll take that as a compliment because you were perfect.  You had your fussy moments, but you were always easily consoled if I scooped you up and sang to you or simply just rocked you in my arms. 

Unfortunately, my mind also flashes back to the tragic day we lost you, and the overwhelming guilt and regret I felt going back to work sooner than I would have liked, and the “what ifs” I felt.  What if I would have stayed home with you longer?  What if I your grandma would have watched you?  What if I would have stayed home with you that day?  The sad reality, sweet boy, is that I could “what if” myself from here to the moon and back again, but that isn’t going to change the past and bring you back to me.  God had other plans for you, precious child, and unfortunately, for those of us who love you dearly on this Earth, it means we were going to have to live the rest of our lives missing you.

I still have my “poor me” moments despite trying my very best to carry myself through this never-ending grieving process.   I see other friends and family members having babies, and it reminds me that I am technically a mother of two, I just don’t have both of mine here on this Earth with me.  Although I know that doesn’t make me any less of a mother, it does make me sad, angry, and yes, even jealous seeing other moms getting to love their children in living, breathing, human form.   A lot of people would tell me that I have every right to feel that way, and although there is truth to that, what it really comes down to is that I have a choice – I can let the grief consume and overwhelm me, making me angry and bitter, and eventually let it destroy me, or I can let the grief change me and strengthen me so I can create the best, happiest life possible for your sister and I.  I choose strength – Lord knows I need it!

Let me tell you about that sister of yours, Evalee Marie.  Oh how I know you two would love to hate each other, just as any other siblings, and at the same time be the best of friends.  Some days I catch myself envisioning you two playing together, picking fights, and driving this momma a little crazy.  ☺️ I get an ache in my heart knowing you would be the best big brother a girl could ask for, but at the same time can’t help but feel blessed knowing that Evalee will always have her brother watching over her.  She’s a spit fire, that one, and she is going to need your protective eye watching over her. 

We love you, Bentlee.  We think and speak of you often, and miss you more than our hearts can handle some days.  You have impacted our lives more than anyone will ever know.  You have taught me that my broken heart can still be beautiful, and that it is possible to smile again after a tragedy.  You gave me the strength I needed to endure another tragic loss after yours, and you gave me peace in knowing that there is something greater beyond this life – for a life so young and precious as yours would not have been taken from this Earth so soon if there wasn’t something grander waiting for you.  You taught me to cherish every single minute we are given with our loved ones, and to not take our loved ones, or our time with them, for granted.  You helped move in me the drive and desire to be the best mother I can be to your sister.  You continue to do so every day. 

Thank you, my beautiful son, for lighting a fire in me.

I love you to the moon and back again,

Mommy

Positives to Dating a Single Mom...

It’s no secret that the world is full of single moms these days.  It seems they have become more of the majority than the minority.  To some, the idea of dating a single mom may be scary or just not an option.  Although to some it may seem like there are more negatives than positives to dating a single mom, and I am sure someone could come up with a post about reasons to never date a single mom, I thought I would share some positives to getting involved with a woman who is raising her kids solo (or partly solo).

1. She can roll with the punches.

Single moms have a lot on their plate, a lot of which pops up unexpectedly.  She has likely had a kid throw up seconds before walking out the door, a babysitter cancel last minute, or a sick kid the day before a business trip.  She is likely going to be pretty understanding if something comes up at work and you have to work late and post-pone or cancel a date. 

1. She is independent.

Single moms have a world of their own and kiddos to worry about.  If you say you need some space or time to yourself, she will respect it.  Balancing work, kids, and a social life is a task in and of itself.  She understands the value of alone time, and will be perfectly ok with you leading your own life, just as she will continue to lead hers.

1. She loves like no other.

When you are all your child has, you learn to love them that much harder.  Although single moms are some of the toughest people on the planet, they also have some of the softest souls you will ever meet.  They know what it feels like to have a piece of their heart walking around outside of their body.  They are lovers and protectors, and that transfers over into their other relationships.

1. She knows what she wants.

A single mom with either a divorce or failed relationship behind her has likely done some soul searching to figure out what she really needs to be truly happy.  She has evaluated what went wrong in her previous relationships including what her role was in the wreckage.  Breakups are hard, breakups with children – much harder.  If she is spending time with you and opening herself up to getting hurt again, she sees something special in you that makes the risk worth it.  That, my friend, should give you a lot of confidence!  If she didn’t see something special in you, she wouldn’t waste her time.

Single moms are very picky about who they let into their life, and for good reason!  They have kids to protect and worry about, so they aren’t going to just let any Joe Blow off the street walk through the door. 

We love fiercely, sweetly, and smartly – If she has chosen you, you must be pretty special.

Things I have learned as a single mom...

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would end up a single mom, I would have told you that you were crazy.  I in no way shape or form thought I would be raising a child solo, but life takes us by surprise from time to time.   The last four years of single-motherhood have definitely proven to be different than what I had envisioned for myself ten years ago.  I never imagined I would be raising a beautiful little girl by myself, let alone without the help or financial support of her biological father.   The last four years have been nothing short of both gut-wrenchingly difficult, and breathtakingly amazing.  During my time as a single-mommy, I feel like I have learned a thing or two, even though some days it still feels like I know nothing!  Here are a few things, though, that I am fairly certain about... 

People will judge you.
I mean, let's be honest here, we are all judged for one reason or another, appearance, job, house, car, you name it, and the title "single mom" is just another thing you can add to your plate of things to be judged for.  Some people will assume they know exactly how you ended up in the boat you are in, while other's don't care how you ended up there, they judge you merely on the fact that you are single and a mom.  Some feel sorry for you while others comment on how much they admire your strength.  Regardless of how others feel about your or your particular situation, it is important to remember that it's really none of your business what they think about you.

One income vs. two SUCKS.
You think it's hard supporting a family on two incomes?  Try supporting a child (or more) on one modest income.  Add to that the fact that in order to earn that one modest income, you have no choice but to place your child in daycare, which most two income households fret about.  You start wondering why you don't just stay home with your child(ren) when it seems pointless to work and spend such an enormous amount of your paycheck on daycare, and then you are reminded that you kind of need to buy food and pay bills and stuff.  There are so many times that there is more month than money at the end of your paychecks, and you have to look in your grocery cart and decide what you are going to put back so you can pay your electric bill this month.  Then there is also that occassion when you have to explain to people/co-workers why you aren't going to that funraising event that is $25 per ticket and you simply just can't afford to go because your child needs new Spring/Summer shoes and clothes. On the flipside, there is a lot of pride that comes with being the sole provider and handling it like a champ.  You really learn to prioritize.

You can't do it alone.
It truly does take a village to raise a child...especially when you are a single mom.  Just because I am doing this gig solo, doesn't mean I am completely alone in this journey.  My child, and myself, are loved by many.  Family, friends, and my out of this world daycare provider are a few of the many individuals who have been there along the way to support, encourage, and guarantee that when I need someone else to watch my kiddo, she is in fantastic care.

Feeling lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and guilty are pretty normal.
There have been many days when everything seems to go wrong.  A couple of weeks ago in particular was one of those days.  Work had been stressful that previous week, it had been snowing mountains, the dog couldn't wait an extra 30 seconds to go outside while I was trying to convince my screaming, small human that it is a good idea to wear clothes to daycare, and not a good idea to bring every stuffed animal she owns, all while I try to make sure that I at least remember to put shoes on myself.  When we finally got in the car and were ready to head down the road, the Jeep wouldn't start (again).  I called my dad, who lives about 15 minutes away, and he came to pick us up.  I dropped my dad back off at his house and took my parents' van to drop off my daughter at daycare and go to work.  It wasn't until I got to her daycare that I realized I wasn't wearing my glasses and didn't have my purse.  At that time, I did what any self-respecting, capable mother would do: I cried.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, though, are a breeze and are filled with laughter and cuddles and make everything right again.  Emotions tend to magnify when there's no other adult around to bounce them off of, and that's ok.  It just reminds us that we are human.

"Me" time is practically nonexistent, but very, very important.
I am going to be honest here, I am a terrible friend.  I have friends who I love dearly that I simply just don't see because I am just too busy being a single, working mom.  My daughter doesn't have a dad that she goes and sees on the weekends, I don't have the money for a babysitter, my mom isn't always available to watch my daughter, and sometimes, I'm frankly just too exhausted to go out and do anything after I get done with work, caring for my daughter, and trying to complete the other never ending tasks that I somehow need to find time for.  Although I don't get out a lot, and don't have a lot of time to myself, I have found that it is vital that I do something for me from time to time, even if that is simply a trip to the grocery store alone.  It's amazing how refreshing it can be to wander the isles of a grocery store with no rush or distractions. 

A Last Will and Testament is something you think about, a lot.
Even though it is important for anyone to have a Last Will and Testament when you have children, it is something that has been on my mind since before my daughter was born.  For me, being a single mother meant rewriting my Last Will and Testament twenty times because I would do anything to prevent my child from falling into the hands of my past (her biological father).  Safety and happiness weren't part of my past relationship with her biological father even though things like black eyes, fat lips, and bruises weren't always present.  I would have and will do anything possible to ensure that my child is safe and taken care of if I am unable to be here on this Earth to care for her.

For many, becoming a single parent is terrifying and exhausting at best, but for me, it was far easier and safer than the previous alternative.   With the help of my fantastic attorney, and a whole lot of grit and patience, I was able to get Evalee's biological father's rights terminated this past summer.  Although he had never been a part of her life or supported her in any way, there was always that slim chance that he could make the decision to walk back into my (our) life and turn it upside down.  You see, Evalee and I are not victims of circumstance. I carved out this life, despite its inevitable difficulties, because I knew that regardless of how hard it was going to be, we would be happier, healthier, and safer on our own.  And we are.  Often the right choice isn't the easy choice.  If I had a crystal ball and knew years ago that this would ultimately be how my (our) life would turn out, would I do anything differently?  It's hard to say, but what I know for sure is that nothing in this life happens by accident, and even if I never do another worthwhile thing the rest of my life, I know that creating her and being her mommy is and will be the best thing I have ever done.

Day 12: How have you changed in the last 5 years?

Five years ago would put us in March of 2009.  I was living in Sioux City, was still in school full-time (had about a year left), was working full-time at Girls Inc. of Sioux City, and was single with no children.

The next five years brought a crazy amount of new life-changing events.  I quit my position at Girls Inc. that spring/summer and moved home for the summer.  That was quite an adjustment since I had been on my own for the past almost 3 years.  After that summer at home, I moved back to the Sioux City area and worked at a daycare for a short time and then got a position at Greenberg's Jewelers at the Southern Hills Mall in Sioux City while I finished up my last year of school.  After graduating in May of 2010, I worked for Greenberg's until shortly after I found out I was pregnant.  I applied and accepted a job back home, which I am still currently at.

I already described in a previous blog post about my relationship with my children's biological father, so there is no need to describe all that again, but needless to say, the rest of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 was a fairly trying time in my life.

In February of 2011, I became a mommy for the first time when Bentlee Jacob entered the world at 7lbs 3oz.  While having him in my world couldn't have made me any happier, my relationship situation was far from picture perfect. 

In May of 2011, I first found out I was pregnant AGAIN only 3 short months after Bentlee was born. Two weeks later, Bentlee passed away due to SIDS at the babysitter's.  That was obviously one of the most life-changing things I have ever endured.  Talk about emotions...being pregnant after just having a baby 3 months prior, and then losing a baby 2 weeks later???!!  I am not quite sure how I survived that one...

I left that relationship situation shortly after Bentlee passed away, and started the journey of being a single pregnant lady.  I kept my pregnancy pretty quiet for the most part, and even the birth, mainly because of my situation at the time with "bio-dad".  Evalee Marie graced me with her presence in January of 2012,  and I lived in my grandparents house on my parents' farm with her.  I eventually bought my first house in December of 2012.  After fixing it up, Evalee and I moved in the week before her first birthday.

I remained single until Evalee was about a year and a half old.  I tried out the whole Match.com thing in 2012 and got a couple of guys' contact information from it after about a month, and then closed down my account.  Among those guys was Nick.  He added me to Facebook way back in July of 2012, but because of a lot of B.S. I was dealing with from Evie's bio-dad at the time, I kind of avoided "dates" to prevent someone else getting caught in all of the drama.  Nick and I kept in contact off an on for the next several months and eventually went out on a date...and well...the rest is history.  We hit it off.  It seemed like everything in my life was finally falling into place after a hectic past few years.

Unfortunately, my relationship with Nick ended tragically with his passing this past January, and I am still trying to figure out where to go from here.  Evalee and I are back to our life with just her and I, and I am back in single-mama mode. 

The past 5 years have been a whirlwind of emotion and experiences....some overwhelmingly happy, and some tragically sad.  Would I do anything differently?  Absolutely not.  We can't rewind our lives to make them perfect.  To go back and change things in our lives would be to change our whole future, and even though my past hurts terribly in a lot of ways, a lot of good came with that hurt.

In a nutshell, how I've changed in the last 5 years...I finished school and found a great job, I became a mom, I lost a child, I found love and I lost it tragically.  Through it all I gained family, friends, and a true sense of who I am and want to be. 

Day 11: A Photo That Makes You Smile :)

Ok, sorry, I picked two.  We are lucky I narrowed it down to two.  Any and ALL pictures of my little girl make me smile, but these two stood out to me the most.

 

This one is a bitter-sweet smile.  I miss him SO much, and so does Evalee, but I remember taking this picture because this moment made me smile.  Nick was watching something on T.V. (note the remote in hand)....and Evalee just hopped up next to him on the couch with the Big Animal book.  She ALWAYS did that when he was there.  He always just stopped what he was doing and read it with her.  I love especially that the book is turned to the big dog page because he always loved to make the dog noise for her, and of course had a different "bark" for each kind of dog...:)  He was a true gem, and is greatly missed by many.  These photos that makes us smile that bitter-sweet smile are true treasures.

 

 

Evalee was roughly 8 months old here.  My photographer was doing a mini session theme called "ties and tutus", and I couldn't resist.  I had recently made her a tutu, so it worked out perfect. This is probably one of my favorite baby pictures of her, EVER.  Her cheeks were (and are still) to die for, and I just love the expression on her face.  If a picture could show her personality, this would be it!  I miss her being that little, but love watching her grow!

Day 10: Someone who fascinates you and why

There are many fascinating people in this world, but to me, children are really the most fascinating beings on this Earth.  My daughter fascinates me daily.  She is the single most fascinating person I know.

I really don't even know where to start when it comes to describing why she is so fascinating to me.  There really isn't much about her that doesn't amaze me.  I could start by the look on her face with every new experience she has, the way she giggles uncontrollably at the silliest little thing, or how she soaks in everything so thoroughly and quickly...she is BRILLIANT!   Then there is how she takes a tumble and gets right back up without even shedding a tear, and all I have to is kiss her booboo and she is all better...she is so STRONG!  I wish through the rest of her life I could fix all her hurt with a kiss. 

I am awe-struck by how much she learns on a daily basis and demonstrates it to me...from her numbers, to her alphabet, to her randomly singing along to a song that comes on in the car.  I look at her with amazement when she climbs up the play equipment at the park and without hesitation wants to go down the slide...she is so BRAVE!

She sees the world with such clarity because her view has yet to be fogged up with all the things she "expects" to see.  She still views the world as a good place where evil doesn't exist...she is so INNOCENT!  I wish I could protect her forever from all of the evil.

What fascinates me the most about her is the way she can make any bad day a good one...how I can be devastated by something and all I have to do is hold her and my world is good again.  She is MY GOOD in this world, even when everything else seems unbearable. 

Day 9: Something you are looking foward to

Well...warmer weather would be nice! :)  Hey...we are getting there, right?

Really though, an event that I am very much looking forward to is my little brother's wedding.  Yes, I said little brother, in fact, he is the baby of the family and will be the first to get married! :)

Some may look at how young they are and wonder "what's the rush?"...well, I say, "why wait?"  I don't say this often about people, and am actually pretty critical when it comes to people my siblings date, but I can honestly say that I have never once questioned my brother's choice in Kayla.  She is a rockstar, and could not fit more perfectly into our family. 

Both my brother and Kayla have been around through the rollercoaster the last 6 years of my life have been, and I couldn't be more blessed to have them both in my life.  They are both true class acts, and I am proud to call them family...we don't need a piece of paper for that, but it's exciting that we get to make it "official", and have a party to celebrate! ;)

I only hope I can be there for them as much as they have both been there for me!

 

Bridesmaids with the beautiful bride-to-be (top right)

 

Day 8: Tmeline of your day

Since I know SO many people care what I do every moment of my day...;)  Haha, here it goes:

5:00/5:30 - I try to get up in the morning to exercise...sometimes it happens, sometimes not.  I am really focusing on dropping some of this weight!  After that I take a shower. 

6:00/6:30 - Evalee wakes up and then the fun really begins ;)  She is normally a pretty happy camper in the morning...just typical 2-year-old drama. :)

7:15 - We leave to get Evie dropped off at daycare and me to work by 8, OR sometimes a few minutes after depending on if the drivers ahead of me are in a rush to get anywhere or not.  I occasionally get behind someone who apparently doesn't have anywhere to be...

8:00 - I start my work day...turn on the computer, chat with the co-workers a bit, look at the appointment schedule, check messages, things of that nature.

Between 9-10:  Sometime between 9 and 10 my co-worker Katie and I usually run over to the bakery to get coffee...my day is not complete or even close to productive without coffee...

The rest of the morning I spend assisting clients who walk in, have appointments, or call.  That may sound boring, but really...most days it is anything but boring.  I encounter some pretty interesting situations on a daily basis...

11:30/Noon - Lunch (time to get away from the chaos)

After lunch I do pretty much the same I do in the morning.  Our office is pretty unpredictable, so we don't ever know if we will be super busy or dead.

4:30 - WORK DAY COMPLETE!

4:45/5:00 - Pick-up Evalee! :)  BEST part of my day!

5:00/5:30 - We get home and I start figuring out what to make for supper

6:00/6:30 - We eat

7:00/7:30 - We play for a little while and then it's bath time.

8:00 - Read a story and bedtime for Evalee :)

8:30 - I work out on my elliptical for about a half an hour while I watch a T.V. show.

9:00 - Clean up the dishes and kitchen, fold laundry...and a million other little things I find to do...

Bedtime is whenever I feel like I have accomplished what I need to for the night. 

This timeline is what I do Monday-Friday, and believe me...this is my IDEAL schedule, not one that happens every day...in fact...very rarely does that schedule happen just like that.  Sometimes Evie insists on bath time before supper, and then sometimes needs another bath AFTER supper! :)  And sometimes we read one story, sometimes ten stories, and sometimes that one story, ten times!  Structure and schedules are good, but I think it's always important to not be so set on your schedule that you forget to just live.

In the midst of our daily routines, I think it's important to remember that the world isn't going to end because we are ten minutes late for work...already going to be late?  Go grab a coffee...why not?!  The dishes can wait...paint your daughter's fingernails.  Super tired and don't feel like folding that basket of laundry?  Go to bed! 

Ironically, I heard this song on my way to work today...and it does a really good job of putting things in perspective.  "Start living...that's the next thing on my list".

"My List"
Toby Keith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uDxF5q0V9s

Day 7: A difficult time in your life

I have had many sad times in my life...all of which have been difficult, but since the majority of those sad times have been discussed at one point or another in this blog, I will write about a different difficult time in my life that I don't often discuss with people except those close to me.

I was just freshly out of college and dating someone I had known since high school.  I shouldn't say I knew him because we really never talked much in high school except the couple of classes we had together.  I knew "of" him is more accurate. 

Long story short, I ended up pregnant not long after we started dating.  I saw a quote once that said, "never marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son just like him", and if that's not the truth, I don't know what is.  Although we weren't married, the influence this man was going to have on my child would forever be a part of them, and the further we got into our relationship, the more I realized how terrifying the thought of that was. 

I have a new appreciation for any woman (or man) who has left a scary/dangerous relationship.  It's easy for people on the outside to look at the situation and tell you to get out, but it's just simply not that easy sometimes.

I left and went back to the relationship more times than I can recall, and my family had about had it with  me, and I don't blame them.  When you are dealing with someone who is scary-manipulative and has major anger/drinking issues, you never know if it's safer to stay or leave.  Unfortunately for me, I decided that compromising my sanity, happiness, and safety was worth it to try and keep our little "family" together.  I thought that maybe his issues would resolve after the baby was born, and I couldn't have been more wrong about that. 

After the baby was born, leaving became even more difficult.  You might wonder why?  Why would it be hard to leave someone who is a safety issue for yourself, and now even your child?  Well, what went through my mind at the time was...isn't my baby safer with me here?  What if we go to court and this man gets unsupervised visitation with my baby?!  What if he drinks and drives with my baby in the vehicle?!  I am SO much better off staying!  That may sound silly, and it's ok if it sounds silly to you, but it wasn't to me at the time, and still isn't to me now.  I had legit concerns about that, and I honestly was in a position where I didn't know what was better.  The things he did when I was there were scary, I didn't even want to think about what would happen if I wasn't there to protect my baby!

Many of you may also be thinking, "well, you made the decision to have a child with him, now you have to face the consequences."  And you know what, you are right, and I can tell you that not for one second of my life since then have I lived WITHOUT the consequences of my actions.

As sad as it is, I didn't have to worry about my son's safety after 3 1/2 months of his life because he passed away from SIDS at the babysitters in May of 2011.  He is safe in the hands of God now.  I did, however, have to make a decision for the sake of the unborn baby I was carrying at the time.  Yes, I was pregnant by him AGAIN.  That is a story for another day, but the point of that is, I had to make the decision to stay or leave, and I finally left.  I think my son's death proved to me that if I could survive THAT, I could survive leaving a toxic relationship...not only for me, but for the sake of this unborn baby.

That unborn baby is now two years old and the last two years have been wonderful, but that didn't come without a lot of struggle and worry.  A lot of false rumors have been spread about me and the situation, and that's ok.  I know I made the right decision, and it's ok if people want to believe what he has to say...the ones who matter know what kind of a person he is; They know the truth.  I think the most important thing to remember in situations like this is that yes, I deserve to live with the consequences of my actions, but my CHILD does NOT, and I will take every possible measure to ensure that she doesn't have to, at least as far as what is in my control.

There comes a point where it just clicks, where you see the cycle of what is happening.  You see that they aren't sorry, and that they are never going to stop doing those things they swear they are going to stop doing just so you will stay.  I heard many empty "I'm sorrys" in that relationship, which is why I love this quote so much...

 

 

 

.

I think having gone through that situation made losing Nick even harder because after being treated so poorly by someone, Nick came into my life and showed me that there are men in this world that will treat a woman right, who will prioritize their life and put family first.  There are good men out there.  We should never settle.

 



 

Day 6: One of your favorite TV shows

I have a few favorite shows, but I would have to say among the top would be "Reba". 

I found this brief synopsis of the show for those of you who haven't seen it:

"Southern soccer mom Reba's life is turned upside down when her hubby leaves her for his pregnant younger girlfriend. Now Reba's forced to hold it together as a newly single mom with three kids and a grandkid under one roof. Good thing she has her humor and tough love to help make it through life's crazy ups and downs."

It actually took me a while to get into this show.  My friend, Teri, watched it all the time, and I could never really get hooked.  When we finally had a "Reba" marathon one weekend, and I couldn't stop watching it.  I think I was amazed at how "real" it was. 

Some people may see the whole plot of the series as "dysfunctional", but I don't see it like that at all.  I see it as a family taking what could be a dysfunctional situation and making it work.  They prove that no matter what life throws your way, as long as you have each other, the people who love and care about you, you will be just fine.  The show does a great job of expressing that you are ultimately in control of the outcome of your own life.

I think I love this show so much because it is kind of a reflection of how I try to live my life.  I try to make the most out of any situation I am handed, good or bad.  I laugh a lot, and try to just be thankful for what I have.  It's also a good example of how every situation we go through in life shapes us.  It is so neat to watch the characters in this series grow as they face new challenges. 

If you have never watched the show, I encourage you to. :)

Day 5: Your current relationship. If single, discuss being single

This is kind of a loaded topic...

I suppose my current relationship status would be considered single...since there is no real "title" for someone who lost a boyfriend...

I think the hardest thing about this whole situation is that a lot of people kind of just expect you to move on as if it were a break-up, but let me tell you this, I have broken up with guys, I have had guys break up with me, and this no where near resembles anything close to a break-up!  I know how to move on from a "broken" relationship....this...I have no idea how to move on from this.  Our relationship wasn't broken.  He didn't end it...I didn't end it...God did.

When you are a 26-year-old "not-really-a-widow", you hear pretty frequently "you are still young" and "you will find someone else".  Those aren't really things you want to hear when you just lost a huge piece of your heart.  It's just not something you even want to think about.  Even though that person isn't here, and you are technically "single", your heart hasn't accepted what your head knows. 

It's not that I didn't agree with these well-meaning people when they were telling me these things.  In the very back of my mind and heart, I do hope to find love again someday.  I figure God will let it happen if it's supposed to happen.  Until then, I am just doing the one thing I know how to do best, and that is being a mom to my daughter.

Because of Nick, I know how to love and be loved, and maybe, among other things, that is what he was meant to teach me. 

Day 4: Your favorite quote/quotes

I love quotes, so it is hard for me to even just pick a few, but I chose 3 to share that are among my favorite:

 

I love this because I think we often times underestimate the little things, and we don't always give ourselves as much credit as we deserve.  It takes a lot of bravery to ask for help, and it takes a lot of wisdom and courage to accept the fact that sometimes we will just never know why certain things happen in our lives, and as hard as it is sometimes to wake up in the morning and face those things, it is always important to be thankful that we simply woke up. 

 

I love this quote simply because it reminds us how important it is to pick ourselves up from the troubles in our lives and not let them define us.  It is not what life hands you, it is what you make of what life hands you.  I know some really ugly people that have been through hell and I know some truly beautiful people that have been through hell.  The only difference is how they chose to handle their struggles.

 

There is really not a lot of explanation that needs to go with this one.  Do Good...Always.

Day 3: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life...

 

There is nothing better that describes a moment than a picture, and this picture does a great job of showing a moment that I felt the most satisfied with my life.

My daughter makes my life worthwhile, and if I were to go the rest of my life as a single mother to her, I would be just fine, but there is something about the comfort of having a partner through it all that makes life even more complete. 

This picture or “moment”, I can say is probably the most satisfied with my life I have ever been.  At this moment in time, everything was right with the world.  It was Christmas morning…just like I always dreamed it would be someday.  I had my daughter, a living room full of presents for her to open, and a partner to share it all with.  My family came over to watch Evalee open her presents, and we had a fun day planned for us at Nick’s parents’ house with all of his family.

At this very moment, I had come to terms with my past, was completely enjoying my present, and was looking forward to a brilliant future. 

There was so much happiness in that moment, and although the future I saw at that moment in time can no longer happen, I will always look back at that time in my life with such love and gratitude.   

Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name

The meaning behind your blog name:

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Most of us have heard the saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade".  But...what if you don't like lemonade, or what if life has handed you so many lemons you are just plain sick of lemonade?  I found the following quotes from different people regarding what they think should be done when life gives you lemons...

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”   - Cathy Guisewite

“When life gives you lemons, chuck it right back.”  - Bill Watterson

“I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” - Ron White

“when life gives you lemons make grape juice and sit back and watch the world ask how you did it.”
― Tori Truax

 

“When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give you lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”  - J.K. Simmons

We have all heard many different spins on this saying, and I think what it comes down to is...we get to decide how to use the "lemons" we are given.  We probably all know people who have let their lemons make them bitter, and in some cases even destroy them, but I think we also all know individuals who were given a basket full of lemons and decided to do more with those lemons than just make a huge batch of lemonade.  They use their lemons to show us what it truly means to face life's greatest struggles with dignity and compassion.  They embrace, adjust, and move forward. 

I encourage you to not measure your life based on the "lemons" you are given, but by what you choose to do with them.

Day 1: Introduction and Recent Photo

A lot of you who read my blog posts already know quite a bit about me, but for those of you who don't, here is a little about myself...

My name is Meghan.  I am 26 years old and I was born on September 11.  I have two awesome parents, two younger sisters, and a younger brother.  I had an older half-sister who passed away in 2008.  From her I gained a brother-in-law and nephew.

I have had two children, my son, Bentlee, who passed away in 2011 at 3 1/2 months from SIDS, and my daughter, Evalee, who just turned two in January.  I have never been married, but my two children do share the same biological father (who is not involved).  Those of you who know me know my children are my entire world and that I'd kill for them, and for those of you who don't...well, now you do. ;)

I work full-time for a non-profit community action agency, and have been there for 3+ years now.  I enjoy helping people, and for the most part, really like my job.  Every job has it's pros and cons, but I love my co-workers and that is one of the most valuable things to me.

In my free time, when not completely consumed with my beautiful daughter, I like to do crafty things like make tutus and hair bows.  I like to think I would enjoy scrapbooking, but have yet to accomplish that.  I also enjoy writing, and kind of wish I would have taken the advice and encouragement of my freshman college writing professor and pursued it as a career.

I don't have a huge amount of friends, but the ones I do have are very close and important to me.  I don't always do the best job of being a great friend, but I think we all understand that life is busy...especially now that the majority of my friends have children.

I am currently single due to the devastating loss of my boyfriend a little over 4 weeks ago.  He meant the world to myself and my daughter.  I am currently picking up the shattered pieces of this crazy-beautiful life of mine, and finding my new normal, once again.

In a nutshell, I am very stubborn, and pretty shy until you get to know me.  I will treat you with respect unless you give me a reason not to, and even at that, I will probably still treat you with respect.  I wear my heart on my sleeve more than I probably should, and I have a tendency of giving multiple chances to people who don't necessarily deserve them.

If heartache could kill you, I would certainly be dead by now, but I'm glad I'm not because I don't believe my job on this Earth is done just yet.  My daughter still needs me here.

Feel free to follow along on the next 29 days of my blog challenge. :)

The Dance

Music has always been a good form of therapy for me.  I spend a good amount of time every day in my car driving to daycare, work, home, etc...and during that time listen to a lot of music.  I have never had a time in my life when I couldn't find a song to laugh or cry along with. 

Nick's brother and I have been sharing conversation back and forth on Facebook a lot during the last month...talking about life and Nick.  We have shared funny stories and fond memories of him, and always revert back to how we would give anything to have him back here with us.  Among our conversations, we have shared songs back and forth that have triggered many tears...I'm not sure if we were having a competition on who could make the other cry the most?! Haha...but regardless, I find comfort in music no matter how much a song may make me cry, and one that he shared with me that I hadn't listened to in years, really hit home.

I had touched on this a few posts ago...about how the risk we take for love is sooo worth it, and this song describes just that.  We take such great risk in loving people...we put our heart on the line when it could be shattered at any time.  The risk is so great, but as this song states..."our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."   The "dance" is the most enjoyable part of life.  If we constantly live life afraid of ever feeling pain, we would miss all the joy in life as well.  In the end you have to decide what's more important to you, never risking pain, or never finding love.  I chose to "dance", I hope you do, too!

 

"The Dance" Garth Brooks

 

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I a king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
 

Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7FRbeaXjvk

And with that, I leave you with this quote:

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” - Erica Jong

The other side of Correctionville...

I am not a person who enjoys being busy every second of my weekends.  I like a little time to breathe and enjoy time with my daughter, but this weekend was definitely one of those that I found myself indulging in one thing after the other, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

On Saturday, Evalee and I took a jaunt up to Spirit Lake to celebrate a friend's birthday.  With questionable road conditions, my dad drove and visited a friend while we were at the party.  It was nice to have some one-on-one time with my dad.  Although a man of few words, he never ceases to amaze me with his wisdom and comfort.  It was great seeing our friends we don't get to see often, and help celebrate another milestone in their daughter's life.

On Sunday, we were supposed to go to a baptism, but with Evalee's molars coming in, we had a rough morning.  After a good nap, and some more Tylenol, we headed to visit a  long time family friend.  In fact, she happens to be the first friend I ever had.  She and her husband just had a beautiful little girl, and they were  home visiting her parents for the weekend, and we were fortunate enough to be able to meet up with them!  It was so great seeing everyone, including her parents, who were basically like my second set of parents when we were little!  She is one of those friends I can go years without seeing and still hold a special place in my heart for.  It was so wonderful seeing her and her new found joy!  Their daughter is just beautiful and I look forward to the day that we can get together and our daughters can play together. :)

We fortunately had a long weekend with Monday being a holiday, and Nick's family had the day off as well, so we planned a day for Evalee and me to visit them. It had been three weeks since Nick's funeral which was the last time I had seen them, so it was very comforting to be able to visit with them in person again.  Although there were times during the day that I couldn't find words to say, or things to talk about, just being there was enough.  I could tell Evalee felt a sense of comfort being there as well.  They have embraced us so much, and I will forever be grateful for that.  It was wonderful to see Nick's beloved dog, and see how well he has adapted.  Nick's sister carried Evalee out to the car for me when we were getting ready to leave, and we could both tell she was super tired from all the fun she had and love she got all day! :) His sister said to me, "I bet she will be sleeping by the time you get to the other side of Correctionville!"  Sure enough, in the 1-2 minute drive it took to get to the other side of that tiny little town, she was out.  It was a wonderful day with our new found family...yes, they will always be family.

Driving through that little town, and past his house still makes my heart sink to my stomach, and I had a good cry on the way home, but that's not a bad thing, and there will be more of those days.  Everyone needs to have a good cry sometimes.  In moments like that I am reminded how lucky I am to have had something that made losing him so hard.

Being a very independent, single mom, it was hard for me to let Nick help me out.  He often got frustrated with me because I was so used to doing it all by myself.  He wanted to help out with things, whether it was entertaining Evalee while I took a shower, or offering to cook for a night (even if it was hamburger helper). :)  He was also there to share in a lot of the joys I had with her...from Christmas...to her birthday...to her learning new things daily...it was so wonderful to have someone to share that with.  I am having to adjust back again to my world of single motherhood, and although I can handle it, I sometimes feel pretty alone.  This weekend was a great reminder of how I am never truly alone.

We are so lucky to have such a great support system.  And at that, a support system that keeps growing. 

“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching -- they are your family. ”   - Jim Butcher

We are so fortunate to have so many of those people in our lives!

This was on the other side of Correctionville! :)

The Risk of Love...

I first want to start out by saying that my boyfriend, Nick, was one remarkable individual.  Having a daughter who's biological father has never been a part of her life, Nick stepped up to the plate and was one hell of a father figure for her.  She adored him.  It is not very frequent that you find someone who is willing to accept your child as their own, and Nick did that with no hesitation.  There was not once when he was around that Evalee would let me read a book to her, Nick had to.  He did make the best animal noises EVER.  That is one thing I can't take credit for, all the animal noises she makes.  He taught her those. :)  I will never forget hearing him walk into our house saying "Hey Evie!"  She would just light up, as would I.

I am really at a loss for words right now when it comes to this whole grieving thing because I am still in the middle of a pile of emotions that I have yet to straighten out.  I am angry, extremely sad, and very lost.  I was supposed to be with Nick forever, I have no doubt in my mind that he was THE ONE for me. 

I have had several conversations the last few days with people about how I am feeling, what happened, and how they are so sad for me.  Many people have told me that I have been through way too much in my young life to have dealt with all the sadness and heartache I have been through the last 6 years, and how the losses I have suffered are way worse than anything they have experienced in their lifetime...but I can tell you one thing I now know for sure... 

After losing a sister, a son, and now a beloved boyfriend who I thought I was going to be with the rest of my life, there is no HARDER...there is just HARD.  Not one loss of mine has been more significant than the other.  I wasn't any more sad when my son died than I am now.  It's a different kind of sadness, but there is nothing less hard about this loss than the other losses I have suffered. 

Many people probably wonder to themselves...if you knew he was going to die so soon, would you have dated him/married him?  My answer to that is absolutely...there is no question in my mind about that.  You see, that's the risk you take when you love. 

Every tear, every sleepless night, every empty moment I have had in my heart, they are all worth it.  I would never take back one second of time that I had with Nick, my son, or my sister.  Love is what makes life worth living. 

Through every relationship you have, you also gain family and friends.  Nick, his family, and his friends have touched my life deeply, and I hope to remain close and in touch with them for my lifetime. 

With that being said, I will leave you with this quote that pretty much sums my feelings up...

"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love." - Hilary Stanton Zunin

Love deeply...always.