Day 7: A difficult time in your life

I have had many sad times in my life...all of which have been difficult, but since the majority of those sad times have been discussed at one point or another in this blog, I will write about a different difficult time in my life that I don't often discuss with people except those close to me.

I was just freshly out of college and dating someone I had known since high school.  I shouldn't say I knew him because we really never talked much in high school except the couple of classes we had together.  I knew "of" him is more accurate. 

Long story short, I ended up pregnant not long after we started dating.  I saw a quote once that said, "never marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son just like him", and if that's not the truth, I don't know what is.  Although we weren't married, the influence this man was going to have on my child would forever be a part of them, and the further we got into our relationship, the more I realized how terrifying the thought of that was. 

I have a new appreciation for any woman (or man) who has left a scary/dangerous relationship.  It's easy for people on the outside to look at the situation and tell you to get out, but it's just simply not that easy sometimes.

I left and went back to the relationship more times than I can recall, and my family had about had it with  me, and I don't blame them.  When you are dealing with someone who is scary-manipulative and has major anger/drinking issues, you never know if it's safer to stay or leave.  Unfortunately for me, I decided that compromising my sanity, happiness, and safety was worth it to try and keep our little "family" together.  I thought that maybe his issues would resolve after the baby was born, and I couldn't have been more wrong about that. 

After the baby was born, leaving became even more difficult.  You might wonder why?  Why would it be hard to leave someone who is a safety issue for yourself, and now even your child?  Well, what went through my mind at the time was...isn't my baby safer with me here?  What if we go to court and this man gets unsupervised visitation with my baby?!  What if he drinks and drives with my baby in the vehicle?!  I am SO much better off staying!  That may sound silly, and it's ok if it sounds silly to you, but it wasn't to me at the time, and still isn't to me now.  I had legit concerns about that, and I honestly was in a position where I didn't know what was better.  The things he did when I was there were scary, I didn't even want to think about what would happen if I wasn't there to protect my baby!

Many of you may also be thinking, "well, you made the decision to have a child with him, now you have to face the consequences."  And you know what, you are right, and I can tell you that not for one second of my life since then have I lived WITHOUT the consequences of my actions.

As sad as it is, I didn't have to worry about my son's safety after 3 1/2 months of his life because he passed away from SIDS at the babysitters in May of 2011.  He is safe in the hands of God now.  I did, however, have to make a decision for the sake of the unborn baby I was carrying at the time.  Yes, I was pregnant by him AGAIN.  That is a story for another day, but the point of that is, I had to make the decision to stay or leave, and I finally left.  I think my son's death proved to me that if I could survive THAT, I could survive leaving a toxic relationship...not only for me, but for the sake of this unborn baby.

That unborn baby is now two years old and the last two years have been wonderful, but that didn't come without a lot of struggle and worry.  A lot of false rumors have been spread about me and the situation, and that's ok.  I know I made the right decision, and it's ok if people want to believe what he has to say...the ones who matter know what kind of a person he is; They know the truth.  I think the most important thing to remember in situations like this is that yes, I deserve to live with the consequences of my actions, but my CHILD does NOT, and I will take every possible measure to ensure that she doesn't have to, at least as far as what is in my control.

There comes a point where it just clicks, where you see the cycle of what is happening.  You see that they aren't sorry, and that they are never going to stop doing those things they swear they are going to stop doing just so you will stay.  I heard many empty "I'm sorrys" in that relationship, which is why I love this quote so much...

 

 

 

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I think having gone through that situation made losing Nick even harder because after being treated so poorly by someone, Nick came into my life and showed me that there are men in this world that will treat a woman right, who will prioritize their life and put family first.  There are good men out there.  We should never settle.