The Risk of Love...

I first want to start out by saying that my boyfriend, Nick, was one remarkable individual.  Having a daughter who's biological father has never been a part of her life, Nick stepped up to the plate and was one hell of a father figure for her.  She adored him.  It is not very frequent that you find someone who is willing to accept your child as their own, and Nick did that with no hesitation.  There was not once when he was around that Evalee would let me read a book to her, Nick had to.  He did make the best animal noises EVER.  That is one thing I can't take credit for, all the animal noises she makes.  He taught her those. :)  I will never forget hearing him walk into our house saying "Hey Evie!"  She would just light up, as would I.

I am really at a loss for words right now when it comes to this whole grieving thing because I am still in the middle of a pile of emotions that I have yet to straighten out.  I am angry, extremely sad, and very lost.  I was supposed to be with Nick forever, I have no doubt in my mind that he was THE ONE for me. 

I have had several conversations the last few days with people about how I am feeling, what happened, and how they are so sad for me.  Many people have told me that I have been through way too much in my young life to have dealt with all the sadness and heartache I have been through the last 6 years, and how the losses I have suffered are way worse than anything they have experienced in their lifetime...but I can tell you one thing I now know for sure... 

After losing a sister, a son, and now a beloved boyfriend who I thought I was going to be with the rest of my life, there is no HARDER...there is just HARD.  Not one loss of mine has been more significant than the other.  I wasn't any more sad when my son died than I am now.  It's a different kind of sadness, but there is nothing less hard about this loss than the other losses I have suffered. 

Many people probably wonder to themselves...if you knew he was going to die so soon, would you have dated him/married him?  My answer to that is absolutely...there is no question in my mind about that.  You see, that's the risk you take when you love. 

Every tear, every sleepless night, every empty moment I have had in my heart, they are all worth it.  I would never take back one second of time that I had with Nick, my son, or my sister.  Love is what makes life worth living. 

Through every relationship you have, you also gain family and friends.  Nick, his family, and his friends have touched my life deeply, and I hope to remain close and in touch with them for my lifetime. 

With that being said, I will leave you with this quote that pretty much sums my feelings up...

"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love." - Hilary Stanton Zunin

Love deeply...always.