Day 1: Introduction and Recent Photo

A lot of you who read my blog posts already know quite a bit about me, but for those of you who don't, here is a little about myself...

My name is Meghan.  I am 26 years old and I was born on September 11.  I have two awesome parents, two younger sisters, and a younger brother.  I had an older half-sister who passed away in 2008.  From her I gained a brother-in-law and nephew.

I have had two children, my son, Bentlee, who passed away in 2011 at 3 1/2 months from SIDS, and my daughter, Evalee, who just turned two in January.  I have never been married, but my two children do share the same biological father (who is not involved).  Those of you who know me know my children are my entire world and that I'd kill for them, and for those of you who don't...well, now you do. ;)

I work full-time for a non-profit community action agency, and have been there for 3+ years now.  I enjoy helping people, and for the most part, really like my job.  Every job has it's pros and cons, but I love my co-workers and that is one of the most valuable things to me.

In my free time, when not completely consumed with my beautiful daughter, I like to do crafty things like make tutus and hair bows.  I like to think I would enjoy scrapbooking, but have yet to accomplish that.  I also enjoy writing, and kind of wish I would have taken the advice and encouragement of my freshman college writing professor and pursued it as a career.

I don't have a huge amount of friends, but the ones I do have are very close and important to me.  I don't always do the best job of being a great friend, but I think we all understand that life is busy...especially now that the majority of my friends have children.

I am currently single due to the devastating loss of my boyfriend a little over 4 weeks ago.  He meant the world to myself and my daughter.  I am currently picking up the shattered pieces of this crazy-beautiful life of mine, and finding my new normal, once again.

In a nutshell, I am very stubborn, and pretty shy until you get to know me.  I will treat you with respect unless you give me a reason not to, and even at that, I will probably still treat you with respect.  I wear my heart on my sleeve more than I probably should, and I have a tendency of giving multiple chances to people who don't necessarily deserve them.

If heartache could kill you, I would certainly be dead by now, but I'm glad I'm not because I don't believe my job on this Earth is done just yet.  My daughter still needs me here.

Feel free to follow along on the next 29 days of my blog challenge. :)

The Dance

Music has always been a good form of therapy for me.  I spend a good amount of time every day in my car driving to daycare, work, home, etc...and during that time listen to a lot of music.  I have never had a time in my life when I couldn't find a song to laugh or cry along with. 

Nick's brother and I have been sharing conversation back and forth on Facebook a lot during the last month...talking about life and Nick.  We have shared funny stories and fond memories of him, and always revert back to how we would give anything to have him back here with us.  Among our conversations, we have shared songs back and forth that have triggered many tears...I'm not sure if we were having a competition on who could make the other cry the most?! Haha...but regardless, I find comfort in music no matter how much a song may make me cry, and one that he shared with me that I hadn't listened to in years, really hit home.

I had touched on this a few posts ago...about how the risk we take for love is sooo worth it, and this song describes just that.  We take such great risk in loving people...we put our heart on the line when it could be shattered at any time.  The risk is so great, but as this song states..."our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."   The "dance" is the most enjoyable part of life.  If we constantly live life afraid of ever feeling pain, we would miss all the joy in life as well.  In the end you have to decide what's more important to you, never risking pain, or never finding love.  I chose to "dance", I hope you do, too!

 

"The Dance" Garth Brooks

 

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I a king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
 

Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7FRbeaXjvk

And with that, I leave you with this quote:

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” - Erica Jong

The other side of Correctionville...

I am not a person who enjoys being busy every second of my weekends.  I like a little time to breathe and enjoy time with my daughter, but this weekend was definitely one of those that I found myself indulging in one thing after the other, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

On Saturday, Evalee and I took a jaunt up to Spirit Lake to celebrate a friend's birthday.  With questionable road conditions, my dad drove and visited a friend while we were at the party.  It was nice to have some one-on-one time with my dad.  Although a man of few words, he never ceases to amaze me with his wisdom and comfort.  It was great seeing our friends we don't get to see often, and help celebrate another milestone in their daughter's life.

On Sunday, we were supposed to go to a baptism, but with Evalee's molars coming in, we had a rough morning.  After a good nap, and some more Tylenol, we headed to visit a  long time family friend.  In fact, she happens to be the first friend I ever had.  She and her husband just had a beautiful little girl, and they were  home visiting her parents for the weekend, and we were fortunate enough to be able to meet up with them!  It was so great seeing everyone, including her parents, who were basically like my second set of parents when we were little!  She is one of those friends I can go years without seeing and still hold a special place in my heart for.  It was so wonderful seeing her and her new found joy!  Their daughter is just beautiful and I look forward to the day that we can get together and our daughters can play together. :)

We fortunately had a long weekend with Monday being a holiday, and Nick's family had the day off as well, so we planned a day for Evalee and me to visit them. It had been three weeks since Nick's funeral which was the last time I had seen them, so it was very comforting to be able to visit with them in person again.  Although there were times during the day that I couldn't find words to say, or things to talk about, just being there was enough.  I could tell Evalee felt a sense of comfort being there as well.  They have embraced us so much, and I will forever be grateful for that.  It was wonderful to see Nick's beloved dog, and see how well he has adapted.  Nick's sister carried Evalee out to the car for me when we were getting ready to leave, and we could both tell she was super tired from all the fun she had and love she got all day! :) His sister said to me, "I bet she will be sleeping by the time you get to the other side of Correctionville!"  Sure enough, in the 1-2 minute drive it took to get to the other side of that tiny little town, she was out.  It was a wonderful day with our new found family...yes, they will always be family.

Driving through that little town, and past his house still makes my heart sink to my stomach, and I had a good cry on the way home, but that's not a bad thing, and there will be more of those days.  Everyone needs to have a good cry sometimes.  In moments like that I am reminded how lucky I am to have had something that made losing him so hard.

Being a very independent, single mom, it was hard for me to let Nick help me out.  He often got frustrated with me because I was so used to doing it all by myself.  He wanted to help out with things, whether it was entertaining Evalee while I took a shower, or offering to cook for a night (even if it was hamburger helper). :)  He was also there to share in a lot of the joys I had with her...from Christmas...to her birthday...to her learning new things daily...it was so wonderful to have someone to share that with.  I am having to adjust back again to my world of single motherhood, and although I can handle it, I sometimes feel pretty alone.  This weekend was a great reminder of how I am never truly alone.

We are so lucky to have such a great support system.  And at that, a support system that keeps growing. 

“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching -- they are your family. ”   - Jim Butcher

We are so fortunate to have so many of those people in our lives!

This was on the other side of Correctionville! :)

The Risk of Love...

I first want to start out by saying that my boyfriend, Nick, was one remarkable individual.  Having a daughter who's biological father has never been a part of her life, Nick stepped up to the plate and was one hell of a father figure for her.  She adored him.  It is not very frequent that you find someone who is willing to accept your child as their own, and Nick did that with no hesitation.  There was not once when he was around that Evalee would let me read a book to her, Nick had to.  He did make the best animal noises EVER.  That is one thing I can't take credit for, all the animal noises she makes.  He taught her those. :)  I will never forget hearing him walk into our house saying "Hey Evie!"  She would just light up, as would I.

I am really at a loss for words right now when it comes to this whole grieving thing because I am still in the middle of a pile of emotions that I have yet to straighten out.  I am angry, extremely sad, and very lost.  I was supposed to be with Nick forever, I have no doubt in my mind that he was THE ONE for me. 

I have had several conversations the last few days with people about how I am feeling, what happened, and how they are so sad for me.  Many people have told me that I have been through way too much in my young life to have dealt with all the sadness and heartache I have been through the last 6 years, and how the losses I have suffered are way worse than anything they have experienced in their lifetime...but I can tell you one thing I now know for sure... 

After losing a sister, a son, and now a beloved boyfriend who I thought I was going to be with the rest of my life, there is no HARDER...there is just HARD.  Not one loss of mine has been more significant than the other.  I wasn't any more sad when my son died than I am now.  It's a different kind of sadness, but there is nothing less hard about this loss than the other losses I have suffered. 

Many people probably wonder to themselves...if you knew he was going to die so soon, would you have dated him/married him?  My answer to that is absolutely...there is no question in my mind about that.  You see, that's the risk you take when you love. 

Every tear, every sleepless night, every empty moment I have had in my heart, they are all worth it.  I would never take back one second of time that I had with Nick, my son, or my sister.  Love is what makes life worth living. 

Through every relationship you have, you also gain family and friends.  Nick, his family, and his friends have touched my life deeply, and I hope to remain close and in touch with them for my lifetime. 

With that being said, I will leave you with this quote that pretty much sums my feelings up...

"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love." - Hilary Stanton Zunin

Love deeply...always.

Surviving the Death of My Son

With October just around the corner, and it being SIDS/Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, it triggered me to jump back into my blogging that I haven't done in a few months.

I hear it often, "You are one of the strongest people I know", and I take it as a compliment, but I don't really consider myself all that strong.  I struggle, and I struggle a lot.  So many people compare tragic stories, trying to decide whose story is the saddest of them all, and we really need to stop doing that.  It is not our job to categorize someone else's tragedy.  Our job is to get through whatever tragedy life may hand us.  Hearing stories similar to mine has helped tremendously in knowing I'm not alone, but to compare losses is counter-productive.

Bentlee would have been approximately 2 1/2 right now, and I would have my hands full with him and my beautiful 1 1/2 year old, Evalee, and would be loving every minute of it.  I think a lot about how they would just love to play with each other, and how much Bentlee would teach Evalee.  I know they would adore each other.

All my life growing up, and maybe I have said this before in a previous blog, but I always wanted a boy first and girl second.  This is where "strength" as some people would call it comes in, and to me, it is more your ability to look at your situation from a different light.  I forced myself to see it like this...I always wanted a son first and a daughter second so that my son would always look out for his little sister, to keep her safe.  I may not have Bentlee here on this Earth to protect her, but in His own way, God did give me what I wanted, because I know Bentlee is in Heaven watching over his sister daily.  This is where I have found that perspective has turned into "strength".  We can all be strong, we just have to adjust the way we look at things.

My daughter brings so much joy to my life, and I want her to grow up knowing that she has a big brother looking out for her, wherever she is, and that he brought, and still brings so much joy to our lives as well.

I never knew I had the ability to survive the death of my son. My heart will be forever broken in many ways, but in order to get through my tragedy, I had to learn to manage, to reach out and ask for help, to let myself talk about my son, and to give myself permission to smile again - because there is SO much to smile about!

Life after SIDS

Cause of Death: Unknown

This is what Bentlee's death certificate reads.  Probably one of the most difficult things I had to deal with and continue to deal with on a daily basis is the "unknown".  Why?  Why my son?  How?  What caused it?

When the medical examiner called me with the autopsy results, he simply said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my son, and that they unfortunately had no medical reasoning as to why he passed away.  I asked him if they could tell if he suffocated, and he said in babies that small, they can't which is why they classify deaths like that as "SIDS".  He explained that even though he couldn't give me a "medical reasoning", their understanding when a baby is found on their belly, not breathing, that the baby "smothered" because it didn't know to turn its head to breathe.  I don't know exactly what happened that day, and I don't beat myself up over it, but SIDS has affected my life deeply in how I live and especially in the decisions I have made in regard to my daughter.

Knowing I was pregnant a week before Bentlee passed away was a true blessing more than anything, but it didn't come without some major anxiety.  

I managed to get through my pregnancy and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen!  Most people tell you to send your baby to the nursery so you can get a few winks of sleep while you are in the hospital, but that's not how it went for me.  I spent very little time sleeping.  Between my mom and I (God bless her), we took turns staying up and watching little Evalee, making sure she didn't stop breathing.  I just didn't trust anyone else, not even the nurses.  Trust was a huge obstacle for me to overcome.  Trust that anyone who watched my child would watch them just as carefully as their own.  I also struggled with the unknown part of everything that had happened with Bentlee.  This made me overly cautious with everything I did with Evalee. 

One of the absolute WORST parts of my hospital stay with Evalee were those videos you had to watch...you know...the car seat and SIDS videos?  Yes, they even made me watch them.  When the nurse came in and found me bawling after the first 5 minutes of the SIDS video, she decided that maybe I didn't need to watch it.  It was at that point that another nurse came in and decided she would tell me that she understood what I was going through because she lost her adult son in a tragic accident.  Tragic, yes, comparable to my situation, No.  I nodded in agreement with tears rolling down my face when all I really wanted to say was "Look lady, I just lost my 3 month old son 9 months ago to an unknown reason, and I am now holding a newborn baby in complete fear that it will happen again!"

Evalee was prescribed an apnea monitor for her first 6 months of life, mainly for my peace of mind.  The type that is better than the ones you can buy in any store, which was a HUGE relief for me. It not only detected her breathing, but also her heart rate.  There were a few false alarms that made me jump out of bed before my brain was even functioning, but it was well worth it. After the first six months, my friend gave me her Angel Care monitor to use which also detected her breathing.  If it weren't for those two devices, I wouldn't have slept at night.

When it came to child care, I knew I wasn't going to be able to let anyone aside from myself or my mom watch Evalee.  I knew that my mom wouldn't let her out of her sight, and would use the monitor religiously.  *Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my mom?!*  My mom was able to work out a VERY flexible schedule with her boss for the first year of Evalee's life.  My mom watched her for me while I went to work.  I can't say that I was 100% anxiety free even with these arrangements, but knowing Evalee was in my mom's care was a huge relief for me.

I had to work out a system with my mom though, to where she would text me if she needed something that wasn't an emergency at work because every time the phone would ring and it was her, I would have a small heart attack.  Anytime I would get a phone call from her when she is watching Evalee I had flashbacks and would immediately go into panic mode.

Now that Evalee is older, she goes to daycare a few mornings a week to get in some socialization with other children her age.  She does really well, and I have grown from it as well.  I can't say I don't worry, because I do, but it's getting better.

If I have more children in the future I will probably be just as much of an over-protective mama, but that is ok by me. :)

Bentlee on the left, Evalee on the right, if you couldn't tell by the pink/blue? :)

May Memories

I haven't posted in a while...but today I have sort of a heavy heart.  May usually brings back some pretty loving memories, but also brings back a lot of sorrow and tears.  With Mother's Day coming up I can't help but feel thankful for the opportunity God has given me to become a mommy of two beautiful babies, but at the same time, I would be lying if I said I wasn't even a little upset with God sometimes.

May of 2011 was a great month in a lot of ways.  I got to experience my first Mother's Day, Bentlee was actually baptized that Mother's day.  He was such a happy boy pretty much all the time.  I was back to work so the time I did get to spend with him I just soaked in.  He was my pride and joy.  We would go on walks after I got off of work, and we would snuggle and watch American Idol after I got done with supper and cleaning up the apartment.  I loved every minute of my time with him, YES, even the sleepless nights!  I also found out I was pregnant with my little Evalee in May of 2011.  About a week after I found out I was pregnant again, Bentlee passed away.  It is just so crazy to me how so much happiness can turn to so much sadness in the blink of an eye. 

I remember specifically one of the things that really triggered my emotions after the loss of my son, and still triggers my emotions to this day is when I log on to Facebook and see people complaining about how their baby never sleeps, or how their pregnancy is just killing them.  I remember being so upset that someone could complain about something I would give anything to have back.  This goes for so many things in life, so I challenge everyone (including myself), that before you complain about something, think about all those people in this world that would give anything to have what you are complaining about, because my friends, it can always be worse.  Not only do I challenge you to think before you complain, but to also thank God every single day for all the blessings we have in this life.

"Count your blessings and your problems….If your problems outnumber your blessings, Count Again….Chances are the things that you take for granted were not added up…"

When tragedy strikes, such as when the bombs went off in Boston, or when those innocent children were slaughtered in that Newtown elementary school, we quickly hold tight to our children and families and give them an extra hug and kiss that night.  Truth is, we should be doing that every night.  Tragedy strikes when we least expect it and nobody is immune to it.   

Tonight, and every night, give your loved ones a kiss for Bentlee, for those Boston victims, for those innocent children killed in Newtown, and just for the mere fact that tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My handsome little man at his 3 month photo shoot in May of 2011 :)