This is what Bentlee's death certificate reads. Probably one of the most difficult things I had to deal with and continue to deal with on a daily basis is the "unknown". Why? Why my son? How? What caused it?
When the medical examiner called me with the autopsy results, he simply said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my son, and that they unfortunately had no medical reasoning as to why he passed away. I asked him if they could tell if he suffocated, and he said in babies that small, they can't which is why they classify deaths like that as "SIDS". He explained that even though he couldn't give me a "medical reasoning", their understanding when a baby is found on their belly, not breathing, that the baby "smothered" because it didn't know to turn its head to breathe. I don't know exactly what happened that day, and I don't beat myself up over it, but SIDS has affected my life deeply in how I live and especially in the decisions I have made in regard to my daughter.
Knowing I was pregnant a week before Bentlee passed away was a true blessing more than anything, but it didn't come without some major anxiety.
I managed to get through my pregnancy and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen! Most people tell you to send your baby to the nursery so you can get a few winks of sleep while you are in the hospital, but that's not how it went for me. I spent very little time sleeping. Between my mom and I (God bless her), we took turns staying up and watching little Evalee, making sure she didn't stop breathing. I just didn't trust anyone else, not even the nurses. Trust was a huge obstacle for me to overcome. Trust that anyone who watched my child would watch them just as carefully as their own. I also struggled with the unknown part of everything that had happened with Bentlee. This made me overly cautious with everything I did with Evalee.
One of the absolute WORST parts of my hospital stay with Evalee were those videos you had to watch...you know...the car seat and SIDS videos? Yes, they even made me watch them. When the nurse came in and found me bawling after the first 5 minutes of the SIDS video, she decided that maybe I didn't need to watch it. It was at that point that another nurse came in and decided she would tell me that she understood what I was going through because she lost her adult son in a tragic accident. Tragic, yes, comparable to my situation, No. I nodded in agreement with tears rolling down my face when all I really wanted to say was "Look lady, I just lost my 3 month old son 9 months ago to an unknown reason, and I am now holding a newborn baby in complete fear that it will happen again!"
Evalee was prescribed an apnea monitor for her first 6 months of life, mainly for my peace of mind. The type that is better than the ones you can buy in any store, which was a HUGE relief for me. It not only detected her breathing, but also her heart rate. There were a few false alarms that made me jump out of bed before my brain was even functioning, but it was well worth it. After the first six months, my friend gave me her Angel Care monitor to use which also detected her breathing. If it weren't for those two devices, I wouldn't have slept at night.
When it came to child care, I knew I wasn't going to be able to let anyone aside from myself or my mom watch Evalee. I knew that my mom wouldn't let her out of her sight, and would use the monitor religiously. *Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my mom?!* My mom was able to work out a VERY flexible schedule with her boss for the first year of Evalee's life. My mom watched her for me while I went to work. I can't say that I was 100% anxiety free even with these arrangements, but knowing Evalee was in my mom's care was a huge relief for me.
I had to work out a system with my mom though, to where she would text me if she needed something that wasn't an emergency at work because every time the phone would ring and it was her, I would have a small heart attack. Anytime I would get a phone call from her when she is watching Evalee I had flashbacks and would immediately go into panic mode.
Now that Evalee is older, she goes to daycare a few mornings a week to get in some socialization with other children her age. She does really well, and I have grown from it as well. I can't say I don't worry, because I do, but it's getting better.
If I have more children in the future I will probably be just as much of an over-protective mama, but that is ok by me. :)
Bentlee on the left, Evalee on the right, if you couldn't tell by the pink/blue? :)
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