Surviving the Death of My Son

With October just around the corner, and it being SIDS/Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, it triggered me to jump back into my blogging that I haven't done in a few months.

I hear it often, "You are one of the strongest people I know", and I take it as a compliment, but I don't really consider myself all that strong.  I struggle, and I struggle a lot.  So many people compare tragic stories, trying to decide whose story is the saddest of them all, and we really need to stop doing that.  It is not our job to categorize someone else's tragedy.  Our job is to get through whatever tragedy life may hand us.  Hearing stories similar to mine has helped tremendously in knowing I'm not alone, but to compare losses is counter-productive.

Bentlee would have been approximately 2 1/2 right now, and I would have my hands full with him and my beautiful 1 1/2 year old, Evalee, and would be loving every minute of it.  I think a lot about how they would just love to play with each other, and how much Bentlee would teach Evalee.  I know they would adore each other.

All my life growing up, and maybe I have said this before in a previous blog, but I always wanted a boy first and girl second.  This is where "strength" as some people would call it comes in, and to me, it is more your ability to look at your situation from a different light.  I forced myself to see it like this...I always wanted a son first and a daughter second so that my son would always look out for his little sister, to keep her safe.  I may not have Bentlee here on this Earth to protect her, but in His own way, God did give me what I wanted, because I know Bentlee is in Heaven watching over his sister daily.  This is where I have found that perspective has turned into "strength".  We can all be strong, we just have to adjust the way we look at things.

My daughter brings so much joy to my life, and I want her to grow up knowing that she has a big brother looking out for her, wherever she is, and that he brought, and still brings so much joy to our lives as well.

I never knew I had the ability to survive the death of my son. My heart will be forever broken in many ways, but in order to get through my tragedy, I had to learn to manage, to reach out and ask for help, to let myself talk about my son, and to give myself permission to smile again - because there is SO much to smile about!