Day 12: How have you changed in the last 5 years?

Five years ago would put us in March of 2009.  I was living in Sioux City, was still in school full-time (had about a year left), was working full-time at Girls Inc. of Sioux City, and was single with no children.

The next five years brought a crazy amount of new life-changing events.  I quit my position at Girls Inc. that spring/summer and moved home for the summer.  That was quite an adjustment since I had been on my own for the past almost 3 years.  After that summer at home, I moved back to the Sioux City area and worked at a daycare for a short time and then got a position at Greenberg's Jewelers at the Southern Hills Mall in Sioux City while I finished up my last year of school.  After graduating in May of 2010, I worked for Greenberg's until shortly after I found out I was pregnant.  I applied and accepted a job back home, which I am still currently at.

I already described in a previous blog post about my relationship with my children's biological father, so there is no need to describe all that again, but needless to say, the rest of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 was a fairly trying time in my life.

In February of 2011, I became a mommy for the first time when Bentlee Jacob entered the world at 7lbs 3oz.  While having him in my world couldn't have made me any happier, my relationship situation was far from picture perfect. 

In May of 2011, I first found out I was pregnant AGAIN only 3 short months after Bentlee was born. Two weeks later, Bentlee passed away due to SIDS at the babysitter's.  That was obviously one of the most life-changing things I have ever endured.  Talk about emotions...being pregnant after just having a baby 3 months prior, and then losing a baby 2 weeks later???!!  I am not quite sure how I survived that one...

I left that relationship situation shortly after Bentlee passed away, and started the journey of being a single pregnant lady.  I kept my pregnancy pretty quiet for the most part, and even the birth, mainly because of my situation at the time with "bio-dad".  Evalee Marie graced me with her presence in January of 2012,  and I lived in my grandparents house on my parents' farm with her.  I eventually bought my first house in December of 2012.  After fixing it up, Evalee and I moved in the week before her first birthday.

I remained single until Evalee was about a year and a half old.  I tried out the whole Match.com thing in 2012 and got a couple of guys' contact information from it after about a month, and then closed down my account.  Among those guys was Nick.  He added me to Facebook way back in July of 2012, but because of a lot of B.S. I was dealing with from Evie's bio-dad at the time, I kind of avoided "dates" to prevent someone else getting caught in all of the drama.  Nick and I kept in contact off an on for the next several months and eventually went out on a date...and well...the rest is history.  We hit it off.  It seemed like everything in my life was finally falling into place after a hectic past few years.

Unfortunately, my relationship with Nick ended tragically with his passing this past January, and I am still trying to figure out where to go from here.  Evalee and I are back to our life with just her and I, and I am back in single-mama mode. 

The past 5 years have been a whirlwind of emotion and experiences....some overwhelmingly happy, and some tragically sad.  Would I do anything differently?  Absolutely not.  We can't rewind our lives to make them perfect.  To go back and change things in our lives would be to change our whole future, and even though my past hurts terribly in a lot of ways, a lot of good came with that hurt.

In a nutshell, how I've changed in the last 5 years...I finished school and found a great job, I became a mom, I lost a child, I found love and I lost it tragically.  Through it all I gained family, friends, and a true sense of who I am and want to be. 

Day 11: A Photo That Makes You Smile :)

Ok, sorry, I picked two.  We are lucky I narrowed it down to two.  Any and ALL pictures of my little girl make me smile, but these two stood out to me the most.

 

This one is a bitter-sweet smile.  I miss him SO much, and so does Evalee, but I remember taking this picture because this moment made me smile.  Nick was watching something on T.V. (note the remote in hand)....and Evalee just hopped up next to him on the couch with the Big Animal book.  She ALWAYS did that when he was there.  He always just stopped what he was doing and read it with her.  I love especially that the book is turned to the big dog page because he always loved to make the dog noise for her, and of course had a different "bark" for each kind of dog...:)  He was a true gem, and is greatly missed by many.  These photos that makes us smile that bitter-sweet smile are true treasures.

 

 

Evalee was roughly 8 months old here.  My photographer was doing a mini session theme called "ties and tutus", and I couldn't resist.  I had recently made her a tutu, so it worked out perfect. This is probably one of my favorite baby pictures of her, EVER.  Her cheeks were (and are still) to die for, and I just love the expression on her face.  If a picture could show her personality, this would be it!  I miss her being that little, but love watching her grow!

Day 10: Someone who fascinates you and why

There are many fascinating people in this world, but to me, children are really the most fascinating beings on this Earth.  My daughter fascinates me daily.  She is the single most fascinating person I know.

I really don't even know where to start when it comes to describing why she is so fascinating to me.  There really isn't much about her that doesn't amaze me.  I could start by the look on her face with every new experience she has, the way she giggles uncontrollably at the silliest little thing, or how she soaks in everything so thoroughly and quickly...she is BRILLIANT!   Then there is how she takes a tumble and gets right back up without even shedding a tear, and all I have to is kiss her booboo and she is all better...she is so STRONG!  I wish through the rest of her life I could fix all her hurt with a kiss. 

I am awe-struck by how much she learns on a daily basis and demonstrates it to me...from her numbers, to her alphabet, to her randomly singing along to a song that comes on in the car.  I look at her with amazement when she climbs up the play equipment at the park and without hesitation wants to go down the slide...she is so BRAVE!

She sees the world with such clarity because her view has yet to be fogged up with all the things she "expects" to see.  She still views the world as a good place where evil doesn't exist...she is so INNOCENT!  I wish I could protect her forever from all of the evil.

What fascinates me the most about her is the way she can make any bad day a good one...how I can be devastated by something and all I have to do is hold her and my world is good again.  She is MY GOOD in this world, even when everything else seems unbearable. 

Day 9: Something you are looking foward to

Well...warmer weather would be nice! :)  Hey...we are getting there, right?

Really though, an event that I am very much looking forward to is my little brother's wedding.  Yes, I said little brother, in fact, he is the baby of the family and will be the first to get married! :)

Some may look at how young they are and wonder "what's the rush?"...well, I say, "why wait?"  I don't say this often about people, and am actually pretty critical when it comes to people my siblings date, but I can honestly say that I have never once questioned my brother's choice in Kayla.  She is a rockstar, and could not fit more perfectly into our family. 

Both my brother and Kayla have been around through the rollercoaster the last 6 years of my life have been, and I couldn't be more blessed to have them both in my life.  They are both true class acts, and I am proud to call them family...we don't need a piece of paper for that, but it's exciting that we get to make it "official", and have a party to celebrate! ;)

I only hope I can be there for them as much as they have both been there for me!

 

Bridesmaids with the beautiful bride-to-be (top right)

 

Day 8: Tmeline of your day

Since I know SO many people care what I do every moment of my day...;)  Haha, here it goes:

5:00/5:30 - I try to get up in the morning to exercise...sometimes it happens, sometimes not.  I am really focusing on dropping some of this weight!  After that I take a shower. 

6:00/6:30 - Evalee wakes up and then the fun really begins ;)  She is normally a pretty happy camper in the morning...just typical 2-year-old drama. :)

7:15 - We leave to get Evie dropped off at daycare and me to work by 8, OR sometimes a few minutes after depending on if the drivers ahead of me are in a rush to get anywhere or not.  I occasionally get behind someone who apparently doesn't have anywhere to be...

8:00 - I start my work day...turn on the computer, chat with the co-workers a bit, look at the appointment schedule, check messages, things of that nature.

Between 9-10:  Sometime between 9 and 10 my co-worker Katie and I usually run over to the bakery to get coffee...my day is not complete or even close to productive without coffee...

The rest of the morning I spend assisting clients who walk in, have appointments, or call.  That may sound boring, but really...most days it is anything but boring.  I encounter some pretty interesting situations on a daily basis...

11:30/Noon - Lunch (time to get away from the chaos)

After lunch I do pretty much the same I do in the morning.  Our office is pretty unpredictable, so we don't ever know if we will be super busy or dead.

4:30 - WORK DAY COMPLETE!

4:45/5:00 - Pick-up Evalee! :)  BEST part of my day!

5:00/5:30 - We get home and I start figuring out what to make for supper

6:00/6:30 - We eat

7:00/7:30 - We play for a little while and then it's bath time.

8:00 - Read a story and bedtime for Evalee :)

8:30 - I work out on my elliptical for about a half an hour while I watch a T.V. show.

9:00 - Clean up the dishes and kitchen, fold laundry...and a million other little things I find to do...

Bedtime is whenever I feel like I have accomplished what I need to for the night. 

This timeline is what I do Monday-Friday, and believe me...this is my IDEAL schedule, not one that happens every day...in fact...very rarely does that schedule happen just like that.  Sometimes Evie insists on bath time before supper, and then sometimes needs another bath AFTER supper! :)  And sometimes we read one story, sometimes ten stories, and sometimes that one story, ten times!  Structure and schedules are good, but I think it's always important to not be so set on your schedule that you forget to just live.

In the midst of our daily routines, I think it's important to remember that the world isn't going to end because we are ten minutes late for work...already going to be late?  Go grab a coffee...why not?!  The dishes can wait...paint your daughter's fingernails.  Super tired and don't feel like folding that basket of laundry?  Go to bed! 

Ironically, I heard this song on my way to work today...and it does a really good job of putting things in perspective.  "Start living...that's the next thing on my list".

"My List"
Toby Keith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uDxF5q0V9s

Day 7: A difficult time in your life

I have had many sad times in my life...all of which have been difficult, but since the majority of those sad times have been discussed at one point or another in this blog, I will write about a different difficult time in my life that I don't often discuss with people except those close to me.

I was just freshly out of college and dating someone I had known since high school.  I shouldn't say I knew him because we really never talked much in high school except the couple of classes we had together.  I knew "of" him is more accurate. 

Long story short, I ended up pregnant not long after we started dating.  I saw a quote once that said, "never marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son just like him", and if that's not the truth, I don't know what is.  Although we weren't married, the influence this man was going to have on my child would forever be a part of them, and the further we got into our relationship, the more I realized how terrifying the thought of that was. 

I have a new appreciation for any woman (or man) who has left a scary/dangerous relationship.  It's easy for people on the outside to look at the situation and tell you to get out, but it's just simply not that easy sometimes.

I left and went back to the relationship more times than I can recall, and my family had about had it with  me, and I don't blame them.  When you are dealing with someone who is scary-manipulative and has major anger/drinking issues, you never know if it's safer to stay or leave.  Unfortunately for me, I decided that compromising my sanity, happiness, and safety was worth it to try and keep our little "family" together.  I thought that maybe his issues would resolve after the baby was born, and I couldn't have been more wrong about that. 

After the baby was born, leaving became even more difficult.  You might wonder why?  Why would it be hard to leave someone who is a safety issue for yourself, and now even your child?  Well, what went through my mind at the time was...isn't my baby safer with me here?  What if we go to court and this man gets unsupervised visitation with my baby?!  What if he drinks and drives with my baby in the vehicle?!  I am SO much better off staying!  That may sound silly, and it's ok if it sounds silly to you, but it wasn't to me at the time, and still isn't to me now.  I had legit concerns about that, and I honestly was in a position where I didn't know what was better.  The things he did when I was there were scary, I didn't even want to think about what would happen if I wasn't there to protect my baby!

Many of you may also be thinking, "well, you made the decision to have a child with him, now you have to face the consequences."  And you know what, you are right, and I can tell you that not for one second of my life since then have I lived WITHOUT the consequences of my actions.

As sad as it is, I didn't have to worry about my son's safety after 3 1/2 months of his life because he passed away from SIDS at the babysitters in May of 2011.  He is safe in the hands of God now.  I did, however, have to make a decision for the sake of the unborn baby I was carrying at the time.  Yes, I was pregnant by him AGAIN.  That is a story for another day, but the point of that is, I had to make the decision to stay or leave, and I finally left.  I think my son's death proved to me that if I could survive THAT, I could survive leaving a toxic relationship...not only for me, but for the sake of this unborn baby.

That unborn baby is now two years old and the last two years have been wonderful, but that didn't come without a lot of struggle and worry.  A lot of false rumors have been spread about me and the situation, and that's ok.  I know I made the right decision, and it's ok if people want to believe what he has to say...the ones who matter know what kind of a person he is; They know the truth.  I think the most important thing to remember in situations like this is that yes, I deserve to live with the consequences of my actions, but my CHILD does NOT, and I will take every possible measure to ensure that she doesn't have to, at least as far as what is in my control.

There comes a point where it just clicks, where you see the cycle of what is happening.  You see that they aren't sorry, and that they are never going to stop doing those things they swear they are going to stop doing just so you will stay.  I heard many empty "I'm sorrys" in that relationship, which is why I love this quote so much...

 

 

 

.

I think having gone through that situation made losing Nick even harder because after being treated so poorly by someone, Nick came into my life and showed me that there are men in this world that will treat a woman right, who will prioritize their life and put family first.  There are good men out there.  We should never settle.

 



 

Day 6: One of your favorite TV shows

I have a few favorite shows, but I would have to say among the top would be "Reba". 

I found this brief synopsis of the show for those of you who haven't seen it:

"Southern soccer mom Reba's life is turned upside down when her hubby leaves her for his pregnant younger girlfriend. Now Reba's forced to hold it together as a newly single mom with three kids and a grandkid under one roof. Good thing she has her humor and tough love to help make it through life's crazy ups and downs."

It actually took me a while to get into this show.  My friend, Teri, watched it all the time, and I could never really get hooked.  When we finally had a "Reba" marathon one weekend, and I couldn't stop watching it.  I think I was amazed at how "real" it was. 

Some people may see the whole plot of the series as "dysfunctional", but I don't see it like that at all.  I see it as a family taking what could be a dysfunctional situation and making it work.  They prove that no matter what life throws your way, as long as you have each other, the people who love and care about you, you will be just fine.  The show does a great job of expressing that you are ultimately in control of the outcome of your own life.

I think I love this show so much because it is kind of a reflection of how I try to live my life.  I try to make the most out of any situation I am handed, good or bad.  I laugh a lot, and try to just be thankful for what I have.  It's also a good example of how every situation we go through in life shapes us.  It is so neat to watch the characters in this series grow as they face new challenges. 

If you have never watched the show, I encourage you to. :)

Day 5: Your current relationship. If single, discuss being single

This is kind of a loaded topic...

I suppose my current relationship status would be considered single...since there is no real "title" for someone who lost a boyfriend...

I think the hardest thing about this whole situation is that a lot of people kind of just expect you to move on as if it were a break-up, but let me tell you this, I have broken up with guys, I have had guys break up with me, and this no where near resembles anything close to a break-up!  I know how to move on from a "broken" relationship....this...I have no idea how to move on from this.  Our relationship wasn't broken.  He didn't end it...I didn't end it...God did.

When you are a 26-year-old "not-really-a-widow", you hear pretty frequently "you are still young" and "you will find someone else".  Those aren't really things you want to hear when you just lost a huge piece of your heart.  It's just not something you even want to think about.  Even though that person isn't here, and you are technically "single", your heart hasn't accepted what your head knows. 

It's not that I didn't agree with these well-meaning people when they were telling me these things.  In the very back of my mind and heart, I do hope to find love again someday.  I figure God will let it happen if it's supposed to happen.  Until then, I am just doing the one thing I know how to do best, and that is being a mom to my daughter.

Because of Nick, I know how to love and be loved, and maybe, among other things, that is what he was meant to teach me.