Surviving the Death of My Son

With October just around the corner, and it being SIDS/Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, it triggered me to jump back into my blogging that I haven't done in a few months.

I hear it often, "You are one of the strongest people I know", and I take it as a compliment, but I don't really consider myself all that strong.  I struggle, and I struggle a lot.  So many people compare tragic stories, trying to decide whose story is the saddest of them all, and we really need to stop doing that.  It is not our job to categorize someone else's tragedy.  Our job is to get through whatever tragedy life may hand us.  Hearing stories similar to mine has helped tremendously in knowing I'm not alone, but to compare losses is counter-productive.

Bentlee would have been approximately 2 1/2 right now, and I would have my hands full with him and my beautiful 1 1/2 year old, Evalee, and would be loving every minute of it.  I think a lot about how they would just love to play with each other, and how much Bentlee would teach Evalee.  I know they would adore each other.

All my life growing up, and maybe I have said this before in a previous blog, but I always wanted a boy first and girl second.  This is where "strength" as some people would call it comes in, and to me, it is more your ability to look at your situation from a different light.  I forced myself to see it like this...I always wanted a son first and a daughter second so that my son would always look out for his little sister, to keep her safe.  I may not have Bentlee here on this Earth to protect her, but in His own way, God did give me what I wanted, because I know Bentlee is in Heaven watching over his sister daily.  This is where I have found that perspective has turned into "strength".  We can all be strong, we just have to adjust the way we look at things.

My daughter brings so much joy to my life, and I want her to grow up knowing that she has a big brother looking out for her, wherever she is, and that he brought, and still brings so much joy to our lives as well.

I never knew I had the ability to survive the death of my son. My heart will be forever broken in many ways, but in order to get through my tragedy, I had to learn to manage, to reach out and ask for help, to let myself talk about my son, and to give myself permission to smile again - because there is SO much to smile about!

Life after SIDS

Cause of Death: Unknown

This is what Bentlee's death certificate reads.  Probably one of the most difficult things I had to deal with and continue to deal with on a daily basis is the "unknown".  Why?  Why my son?  How?  What caused it?

When the medical examiner called me with the autopsy results, he simply said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my son, and that they unfortunately had no medical reasoning as to why he passed away.  I asked him if they could tell if he suffocated, and he said in babies that small, they can't which is why they classify deaths like that as "SIDS".  He explained that even though he couldn't give me a "medical reasoning", their understanding when a baby is found on their belly, not breathing, that the baby "smothered" because it didn't know to turn its head to breathe.  I don't know exactly what happened that day, and I don't beat myself up over it, but SIDS has affected my life deeply in how I live and especially in the decisions I have made in regard to my daughter.

Knowing I was pregnant a week before Bentlee passed away was a true blessing more than anything, but it didn't come without some major anxiety.  

I managed to get through my pregnancy and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen!  Most people tell you to send your baby to the nursery so you can get a few winks of sleep while you are in the hospital, but that's not how it went for me.  I spent very little time sleeping.  Between my mom and I (God bless her), we took turns staying up and watching little Evalee, making sure she didn't stop breathing.  I just didn't trust anyone else, not even the nurses.  Trust was a huge obstacle for me to overcome.  Trust that anyone who watched my child would watch them just as carefully as their own.  I also struggled with the unknown part of everything that had happened with Bentlee.  This made me overly cautious with everything I did with Evalee. 

One of the absolute WORST parts of my hospital stay with Evalee were those videos you had to watch...you know...the car seat and SIDS videos?  Yes, they even made me watch them.  When the nurse came in and found me bawling after the first 5 minutes of the SIDS video, she decided that maybe I didn't need to watch it.  It was at that point that another nurse came in and decided she would tell me that she understood what I was going through because she lost her adult son in a tragic accident.  Tragic, yes, comparable to my situation, No.  I nodded in agreement with tears rolling down my face when all I really wanted to say was "Look lady, I just lost my 3 month old son 9 months ago to an unknown reason, and I am now holding a newborn baby in complete fear that it will happen again!"

Evalee was prescribed an apnea monitor for her first 6 months of life, mainly for my peace of mind.  The type that is better than the ones you can buy in any store, which was a HUGE relief for me. It not only detected her breathing, but also her heart rate.  There were a few false alarms that made me jump out of bed before my brain was even functioning, but it was well worth it. After the first six months, my friend gave me her Angel Care monitor to use which also detected her breathing.  If it weren't for those two devices, I wouldn't have slept at night.

When it came to child care, I knew I wasn't going to be able to let anyone aside from myself or my mom watch Evalee.  I knew that my mom wouldn't let her out of her sight, and would use the monitor religiously.  *Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my mom?!*  My mom was able to work out a VERY flexible schedule with her boss for the first year of Evalee's life.  My mom watched her for me while I went to work.  I can't say that I was 100% anxiety free even with these arrangements, but knowing Evalee was in my mom's care was a huge relief for me.

I had to work out a system with my mom though, to where she would text me if she needed something that wasn't an emergency at work because every time the phone would ring and it was her, I would have a small heart attack.  Anytime I would get a phone call from her when she is watching Evalee I had flashbacks and would immediately go into panic mode.

Now that Evalee is older, she goes to daycare a few mornings a week to get in some socialization with other children her age.  She does really well, and I have grown from it as well.  I can't say I don't worry, because I do, but it's getting better.

If I have more children in the future I will probably be just as much of an over-protective mama, but that is ok by me. :)

Bentlee on the left, Evalee on the right, if you couldn't tell by the pink/blue? :)

May Memories

I haven't posted in a while...but today I have sort of a heavy heart.  May usually brings back some pretty loving memories, but also brings back a lot of sorrow and tears.  With Mother's Day coming up I can't help but feel thankful for the opportunity God has given me to become a mommy of two beautiful babies, but at the same time, I would be lying if I said I wasn't even a little upset with God sometimes.

May of 2011 was a great month in a lot of ways.  I got to experience my first Mother's Day, Bentlee was actually baptized that Mother's day.  He was such a happy boy pretty much all the time.  I was back to work so the time I did get to spend with him I just soaked in.  He was my pride and joy.  We would go on walks after I got off of work, and we would snuggle and watch American Idol after I got done with supper and cleaning up the apartment.  I loved every minute of my time with him, YES, even the sleepless nights!  I also found out I was pregnant with my little Evalee in May of 2011.  About a week after I found out I was pregnant again, Bentlee passed away.  It is just so crazy to me how so much happiness can turn to so much sadness in the blink of an eye. 

I remember specifically one of the things that really triggered my emotions after the loss of my son, and still triggers my emotions to this day is when I log on to Facebook and see people complaining about how their baby never sleeps, or how their pregnancy is just killing them.  I remember being so upset that someone could complain about something I would give anything to have back.  This goes for so many things in life, so I challenge everyone (including myself), that before you complain about something, think about all those people in this world that would give anything to have what you are complaining about, because my friends, it can always be worse.  Not only do I challenge you to think before you complain, but to also thank God every single day for all the blessings we have in this life.

"Count your blessings and your problems….If your problems outnumber your blessings, Count Again….Chances are the things that you take for granted were not added up…"

When tragedy strikes, such as when the bombs went off in Boston, or when those innocent children were slaughtered in that Newtown elementary school, we quickly hold tight to our children and families and give them an extra hug and kiss that night.  Truth is, we should be doing that every night.  Tragedy strikes when we least expect it and nobody is immune to it.   

Tonight, and every night, give your loved ones a kiss for Bentlee, for those Boston victims, for those innocent children killed in Newtown, and just for the mere fact that tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My handsome little man at his 3 month photo shoot in May of 2011 :)

New places...new faces...

Well, I'm back in Des Moines for round 2 of my training.  I didn't have to leave the night before, thank goodness, so I only had 2 nights that I had to find things to do.  Last night I decided to FINALLY get my hair cut.  It's not always easy getting out to even get a simple hair cut when you're a single mom who works full time.  I feel guilty enough leaving my daughter to work 40 hours a week, let alone finding a sitter to watch her while I go do things for myself, so since I was in a big city with plenty of salons to choose from, I decided to get a hair cut and a few highlights. 

I ended up just going to the mall to one of the little walk-in salons.  It was a Tuesday at 4:30, so it was pretty quiet and nobody in the salon except the two stylists who were just chatting.  One of the gals asked what she could do for me and I just said I needed a trim and a few highlights.  She brought me back to her station, combed through my hair, and said..."wow, you have long hair."  I just laughed and said, "yea, I am a single mom and I work full time, so I don't find a lot of time to do things for myself."  I just told her I was in Des Moines for a training and decided to take advantage of some free time.  She said, "I'm a single mom, too, have been for 7 years".  At that point I kind of felt connected to her.  We went on to chat about the joys of having daughters and the sadness of failed relationships...it turned out we had a lot in common, and it was kind of refreshing to chat with someone who had a lot of the same joys and struggles as myself.

When we were all done, I went up to pay and she told me my total.  I took some cash out (including a decent sized tip), I said thank you, handed her the cash, said I didn't need any change, and walked out.  I hope she does something fun with her daughter or something for herself with the tip money.  As a single mom/parent, it's not always easy to find the time - or money - to do fun things for yourself, or with your children.  We sometimes get so caught up in being responsible for providing for our children that we forget to take time to actually spend with them or go do something for ourselves.

I enjoyed my visit with her, and I know I will probably never see her again, and that's ok.  I hope she took something away from our visit, too.  Sometimes it's not only the people who are in our lives every day that have an impact on us.  It can be anyone, anywhere, at any time. 

As for now, I am in my sweats with my T.V. on in my hotel room...



I have one more day of training left tomorrow, and then I get to go home to see my beautiful daughter.  :)

You can't control the cards you're dealt...

There are many times in life a person may wonder "why me?"  We are all dealt cards in life that may not seem fair, and may be difficult cards to play in this game of life.  I didn't choose to have my sister die at a young age or to lose my son at 3 1/2 months old, but the fact of the matter is, we don't get to choose the cards we are dealt...we can only determine how we play the hand.

After my son died I could have curled up in a ball in my bed and been miserable...(which I did for a while).  I didn't get out much or talk to many people, but I came to the realization that mourning and being sad for the rest of my life wasn't going to solve my problems...and it most certainly wasn't going to bring my son back.  I had another little blessing on the way, and it was my job to make a good life not only for her, but for myself.  I had several stumbles along the way and had to make a lot of very hard decissions regarding who was going to stay in my (our) life/lives and who had to go.  Fortunately, even though God handed me this very difficult card, he also gave me the strength and the knowledge to play it in a way that would not only help me cope, but to come out a happier, stronger individual.  I am a true believer in that "The will of God will not take you where the Grace of God will not keep you". 

I have also learned that the "how you play the hand" part is very vital in the outcome of your life.  If I had not played the cards I was dealt in the way that I did, my life would be drastically different than it is today, and not in a good way. 

You may wonder why people who endure such tragedy are some of the happiest people you encounter.  To some it may seem that they are "heartless", it may seem like the tragedy hasn't effected them, but most of the time, the reality is that they have decided to take the "cards" they were dealt and play them in such a way to not only change their lives, but the lives of others they come in contact with. 

The next time you are handed a "card" you are certain is going to make you lose the "game", don't give up...take a look at the rest of your "hand", and make the most of what you've got!  You may have worse "cards" than a lot of people, but if you play them right, you just may win the game!   

First time for everything...

Well, as I type this I am currently laying on my king size bed in my Stoney Creek hotel room in Des Moines.  It is my last night here (with one day of training left tomorrow), and I must say I am very ready to go home.  I had to leave on Monday due to the weather possibly being icky Tuesday morning for travel, and I was not pleased that I had to do that as it was the first time I was going to leave my daughter over-night (let alone 3 nights!!) Not to mention I had NOTHING packed and NOTHING prepared for my mom (who was going to watch my daughter for 3 days)!  I was in a panic and quite emotional.

A lot of you are probably thinking "suck-it-up, buttercup, we all have to do it at some point", others are probably thinking "why wouldn't you be excited to have some 'me' time?!"  Well, you see...it's not that I couldn't use some "me" time, or that I feel like I am the only poor soul that has to leave their baby overnight because I know there are many moms that have to do it.  I have come a long way since the traumatic day that I lost my son to SIDS, but I would be lying if I said I never worry about it happening again.  My daughter is 13 months old and I still use an Angel Care monitor at night to detect her breathing (simply for my peace of mind). 

It's not that I don't trust her in the care of other people - even though I am picky about who watches her - it's just that knowing I would be in close proximity to her if something were to happen makes me feel better.  After a child reaches even 6 months of age, their risk of SIDS is greatly reduced, but it doesn't mean it can't happen.  So, I still worry about it somewhat, and that is probably something I will never get over...even with any babies in the future.

That being said, I also miss my baby girl terribly and I can't wait to get home!  I have enjoyed having a few drinks, visiting my brother-in-law and nephew, and going shopping and eating at the Cheesecake Factory for the first time...yes, that piece of chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake was worth every single calorie!  I have one more day of training tomorrow and then I am home bound.

But with that, I am going to sign-out, watch American Idol, and get some shut-eye.  :)

A Job Well Done...

Since I was stuck on something to write about, I went looking through pictures...they say a picture is worth a thousand words...and this picture certainly does it for me. 

2 1/2 of the 4 years of college I had, I worked for a non-profit organization called Girls Inc.  It is an after school and summer program for girls ages 6-18.  I started out as a teacher in the SMART Center and also helped out in the tutoring center, and eventually was promoted to the Administrative Coordinator.  I loved my job...the people I worked with, the girls, everything about it.  The people I met and the experiences I had during my 2 1/2 years at Girls Inc, changed my life.



In this picture we were ice-skating (if you can't tell - haha).  One of the many fun things we got to enjoy with the girls.  What a perfect job...you almost got to experience getting to be a kid again, but at the same time, are impacting girls in such a positive way. 

There have been many times in the years since I have left Girls Inc, that I have struggled with certain things in my life, and I have to admit, have done some things that I would never have advised the girls I worked with to do.  As I have dealt with some of my struggles in life, I have asked myself..."What would I have told one of those girls to do?  What would my advice to them have been?"  I look back at myself at that point in my life and realize that the answer to our problems is never usually too far away...it's just sometimes so hard to see the solution when you are in the middle of the chaos.

It amazes me how much you can learn from children.  When I was working at Girls Inc, I was years away from becoming a mom myself yet, but I felt so much like a mother figure to all of those girls.  They taught me so much, and I can only hope that I left a positive imprint on their lives as well.  Amazingly, I still keep in contact with so many of those girls, their parents, and my fellow co-workers from that time in my life, and it is so fun to watch how much all of those lives have changed in such a positive way. 

It sometimes saddens me to look back at that point in my life because of all the wonderful memories I had with such remarkable people, but at the same time look back with such awe at how much I have learned from those experiences and how much I have grown since then.  What a gift it was to meet such wonderful people and to have most of them still in my life today.