Positives to Dating a Single Mom...

It’s no secret that the world is full of single moms these days.  It seems they have become more of the majority than the minority.  To some, the idea of dating a single mom may be scary or just not an option.  Although to some it may seem like there are more negatives than positives to dating a single mom, and I am sure someone could come up with a post about reasons to never date a single mom, I thought I would share some positives to getting involved with a woman who is raising her kids solo (or partly solo).

1. She can roll with the punches.

Single moms have a lot on their plate, a lot of which pops up unexpectedly.  She has likely had a kid throw up seconds before walking out the door, a babysitter cancel last minute, or a sick kid the day before a business trip.  She is likely going to be pretty understanding if something comes up at work and you have to work late and post-pone or cancel a date. 

1. She is independent.

Single moms have a world of their own and kiddos to worry about.  If you say you need some space or time to yourself, she will respect it.  Balancing work, kids, and a social life is a task in and of itself.  She understands the value of alone time, and will be perfectly ok with you leading your own life, just as she will continue to lead hers.

1. She loves like no other.

When you are all your child has, you learn to love them that much harder.  Although single moms are some of the toughest people on the planet, they also have some of the softest souls you will ever meet.  They know what it feels like to have a piece of their heart walking around outside of their body.  They are lovers and protectors, and that transfers over into their other relationships.

1. She knows what she wants.

A single mom with either a divorce or failed relationship behind her has likely done some soul searching to figure out what she really needs to be truly happy.  She has evaluated what went wrong in her previous relationships including what her role was in the wreckage.  Breakups are hard, breakups with children – much harder.  If she is spending time with you and opening herself up to getting hurt again, she sees something special in you that makes the risk worth it.  That, my friend, should give you a lot of confidence!  If she didn’t see something special in you, she wouldn’t waste her time.

Single moms are very picky about who they let into their life, and for good reason!  They have kids to protect and worry about, so they aren’t going to just let any Joe Blow off the street walk through the door. 

We love fiercely, sweetly, and smartly – If she has chosen you, you must be pretty special.

Things I have learned as a single mom...

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would end up a single mom, I would have told you that you were crazy.  I in no way shape or form thought I would be raising a child solo, but life takes us by surprise from time to time.   The last four years of single-motherhood have definitely proven to be different than what I had envisioned for myself ten years ago.  I never imagined I would be raising a beautiful little girl by myself, let alone without the help or financial support of her biological father.   The last four years have been nothing short of both gut-wrenchingly difficult, and breathtakingly amazing.  During my time as a single-mommy, I feel like I have learned a thing or two, even though some days it still feels like I know nothing!  Here are a few things, though, that I am fairly certain about... 

People will judge you.
I mean, let's be honest here, we are all judged for one reason or another, appearance, job, house, car, you name it, and the title "single mom" is just another thing you can add to your plate of things to be judged for.  Some people will assume they know exactly how you ended up in the boat you are in, while other's don't care how you ended up there, they judge you merely on the fact that you are single and a mom.  Some feel sorry for you while others comment on how much they admire your strength.  Regardless of how others feel about your or your particular situation, it is important to remember that it's really none of your business what they think about you.

One income vs. two SUCKS.
You think it's hard supporting a family on two incomes?  Try supporting a child (or more) on one modest income.  Add to that the fact that in order to earn that one modest income, you have no choice but to place your child in daycare, which most two income households fret about.  You start wondering why you don't just stay home with your child(ren) when it seems pointless to work and spend such an enormous amount of your paycheck on daycare, and then you are reminded that you kind of need to buy food and pay bills and stuff.  There are so many times that there is more month than money at the end of your paychecks, and you have to look in your grocery cart and decide what you are going to put back so you can pay your electric bill this month.  Then there is also that occassion when you have to explain to people/co-workers why you aren't going to that funraising event that is $25 per ticket and you simply just can't afford to go because your child needs new Spring/Summer shoes and clothes. On the flipside, there is a lot of pride that comes with being the sole provider and handling it like a champ.  You really learn to prioritize.

You can't do it alone.
It truly does take a village to raise a child...especially when you are a single mom.  Just because I am doing this gig solo, doesn't mean I am completely alone in this journey.  My child, and myself, are loved by many.  Family, friends, and my out of this world daycare provider are a few of the many individuals who have been there along the way to support, encourage, and guarantee that when I need someone else to watch my kiddo, she is in fantastic care.

Feeling lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and guilty are pretty normal.
There have been many days when everything seems to go wrong.  A couple of weeks ago in particular was one of those days.  Work had been stressful that previous week, it had been snowing mountains, the dog couldn't wait an extra 30 seconds to go outside while I was trying to convince my screaming, small human that it is a good idea to wear clothes to daycare, and not a good idea to bring every stuffed animal she owns, all while I try to make sure that I at least remember to put shoes on myself.  When we finally got in the car and were ready to head down the road, the Jeep wouldn't start (again).  I called my dad, who lives about 15 minutes away, and he came to pick us up.  I dropped my dad back off at his house and took my parents' van to drop off my daughter at daycare and go to work.  It wasn't until I got to her daycare that I realized I wasn't wearing my glasses and didn't have my purse.  At that time, I did what any self-respecting, capable mother would do: I cried.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, though, are a breeze and are filled with laughter and cuddles and make everything right again.  Emotions tend to magnify when there's no other adult around to bounce them off of, and that's ok.  It just reminds us that we are human.

"Me" time is practically nonexistent, but very, very important.
I am going to be honest here, I am a terrible friend.  I have friends who I love dearly that I simply just don't see because I am just too busy being a single, working mom.  My daughter doesn't have a dad that she goes and sees on the weekends, I don't have the money for a babysitter, my mom isn't always available to watch my daughter, and sometimes, I'm frankly just too exhausted to go out and do anything after I get done with work, caring for my daughter, and trying to complete the other never ending tasks that I somehow need to find time for.  Although I don't get out a lot, and don't have a lot of time to myself, I have found that it is vital that I do something for me from time to time, even if that is simply a trip to the grocery store alone.  It's amazing how refreshing it can be to wander the isles of a grocery store with no rush or distractions. 

A Last Will and Testament is something you think about, a lot.
Even though it is important for anyone to have a Last Will and Testament when you have children, it is something that has been on my mind since before my daughter was born.  For me, being a single mother meant rewriting my Last Will and Testament twenty times because I would do anything to prevent my child from falling into the hands of my past (her biological father).  Safety and happiness weren't part of my past relationship with her biological father even though things like black eyes, fat lips, and bruises weren't always present.  I would have and will do anything possible to ensure that my child is safe and taken care of if I am unable to be here on this Earth to care for her.

For many, becoming a single parent is terrifying and exhausting at best, but for me, it was far easier and safer than the previous alternative.   With the help of my fantastic attorney, and a whole lot of grit and patience, I was able to get Evalee's biological father's rights terminated this past summer.  Although he had never been a part of her life or supported her in any way, there was always that slim chance that he could make the decision to walk back into my (our) life and turn it upside down.  You see, Evalee and I are not victims of circumstance. I carved out this life, despite its inevitable difficulties, because I knew that regardless of how hard it was going to be, we would be happier, healthier, and safer on our own.  And we are.  Often the right choice isn't the easy choice.  If I had a crystal ball and knew years ago that this would ultimately be how my (our) life would turn out, would I do anything differently?  It's hard to say, but what I know for sure is that nothing in this life happens by accident, and even if I never do another worthwhile thing the rest of my life, I know that creating her and being her mommy is and will be the best thing I have ever done.

Day 12: How have you changed in the last 5 years?

Five years ago would put us in March of 2009.  I was living in Sioux City, was still in school full-time (had about a year left), was working full-time at Girls Inc. of Sioux City, and was single with no children.

The next five years brought a crazy amount of new life-changing events.  I quit my position at Girls Inc. that spring/summer and moved home for the summer.  That was quite an adjustment since I had been on my own for the past almost 3 years.  After that summer at home, I moved back to the Sioux City area and worked at a daycare for a short time and then got a position at Greenberg's Jewelers at the Southern Hills Mall in Sioux City while I finished up my last year of school.  After graduating in May of 2010, I worked for Greenberg's until shortly after I found out I was pregnant.  I applied and accepted a job back home, which I am still currently at.

I already described in a previous blog post about my relationship with my children's biological father, so there is no need to describe all that again, but needless to say, the rest of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 was a fairly trying time in my life.

In February of 2011, I became a mommy for the first time when Bentlee Jacob entered the world at 7lbs 3oz.  While having him in my world couldn't have made me any happier, my relationship situation was far from picture perfect. 

In May of 2011, I first found out I was pregnant AGAIN only 3 short months after Bentlee was born. Two weeks later, Bentlee passed away due to SIDS at the babysitter's.  That was obviously one of the most life-changing things I have ever endured.  Talk about emotions...being pregnant after just having a baby 3 months prior, and then losing a baby 2 weeks later???!!  I am not quite sure how I survived that one...

I left that relationship situation shortly after Bentlee passed away, and started the journey of being a single pregnant lady.  I kept my pregnancy pretty quiet for the most part, and even the birth, mainly because of my situation at the time with "bio-dad".  Evalee Marie graced me with her presence in January of 2012,  and I lived in my grandparents house on my parents' farm with her.  I eventually bought my first house in December of 2012.  After fixing it up, Evalee and I moved in the week before her first birthday.

I remained single until Evalee was about a year and a half old.  I tried out the whole Match.com thing in 2012 and got a couple of guys' contact information from it after about a month, and then closed down my account.  Among those guys was Nick.  He added me to Facebook way back in July of 2012, but because of a lot of B.S. I was dealing with from Evie's bio-dad at the time, I kind of avoided "dates" to prevent someone else getting caught in all of the drama.  Nick and I kept in contact off an on for the next several months and eventually went out on a date...and well...the rest is history.  We hit it off.  It seemed like everything in my life was finally falling into place after a hectic past few years.

Unfortunately, my relationship with Nick ended tragically with his passing this past January, and I am still trying to figure out where to go from here.  Evalee and I are back to our life with just her and I, and I am back in single-mama mode. 

The past 5 years have been a whirlwind of emotion and experiences....some overwhelmingly happy, and some tragically sad.  Would I do anything differently?  Absolutely not.  We can't rewind our lives to make them perfect.  To go back and change things in our lives would be to change our whole future, and even though my past hurts terribly in a lot of ways, a lot of good came with that hurt.

In a nutshell, how I've changed in the last 5 years...I finished school and found a great job, I became a mom, I lost a child, I found love and I lost it tragically.  Through it all I gained family, friends, and a true sense of who I am and want to be. 

Day 11: A Photo That Makes You Smile :)

Ok, sorry, I picked two.  We are lucky I narrowed it down to two.  Any and ALL pictures of my little girl make me smile, but these two stood out to me the most.

 

This one is a bitter-sweet smile.  I miss him SO much, and so does Evalee, but I remember taking this picture because this moment made me smile.  Nick was watching something on T.V. (note the remote in hand)....and Evalee just hopped up next to him on the couch with the Big Animal book.  She ALWAYS did that when he was there.  He always just stopped what he was doing and read it with her.  I love especially that the book is turned to the big dog page because he always loved to make the dog noise for her, and of course had a different "bark" for each kind of dog...:)  He was a true gem, and is greatly missed by many.  These photos that makes us smile that bitter-sweet smile are true treasures.

 

 

Evalee was roughly 8 months old here.  My photographer was doing a mini session theme called "ties and tutus", and I couldn't resist.  I had recently made her a tutu, so it worked out perfect. This is probably one of my favorite baby pictures of her, EVER.  Her cheeks were (and are still) to die for, and I just love the expression on her face.  If a picture could show her personality, this would be it!  I miss her being that little, but love watching her grow!

Day 10: Someone who fascinates you and why

There are many fascinating people in this world, but to me, children are really the most fascinating beings on this Earth.  My daughter fascinates me daily.  She is the single most fascinating person I know.

I really don't even know where to start when it comes to describing why she is so fascinating to me.  There really isn't much about her that doesn't amaze me.  I could start by the look on her face with every new experience she has, the way she giggles uncontrollably at the silliest little thing, or how she soaks in everything so thoroughly and quickly...she is BRILLIANT!   Then there is how she takes a tumble and gets right back up without even shedding a tear, and all I have to is kiss her booboo and she is all better...she is so STRONG!  I wish through the rest of her life I could fix all her hurt with a kiss. 

I am awe-struck by how much she learns on a daily basis and demonstrates it to me...from her numbers, to her alphabet, to her randomly singing along to a song that comes on in the car.  I look at her with amazement when she climbs up the play equipment at the park and without hesitation wants to go down the slide...she is so BRAVE!

She sees the world with such clarity because her view has yet to be fogged up with all the things she "expects" to see.  She still views the world as a good place where evil doesn't exist...she is so INNOCENT!  I wish I could protect her forever from all of the evil.

What fascinates me the most about her is the way she can make any bad day a good one...how I can be devastated by something and all I have to do is hold her and my world is good again.  She is MY GOOD in this world, even when everything else seems unbearable. 

Day 9: Something you are looking foward to

Well...warmer weather would be nice! :)  Hey...we are getting there, right?

Really though, an event that I am very much looking forward to is my little brother's wedding.  Yes, I said little brother, in fact, he is the baby of the family and will be the first to get married! :)

Some may look at how young they are and wonder "what's the rush?"...well, I say, "why wait?"  I don't say this often about people, and am actually pretty critical when it comes to people my siblings date, but I can honestly say that I have never once questioned my brother's choice in Kayla.  She is a rockstar, and could not fit more perfectly into our family. 

Both my brother and Kayla have been around through the rollercoaster the last 6 years of my life have been, and I couldn't be more blessed to have them both in my life.  They are both true class acts, and I am proud to call them family...we don't need a piece of paper for that, but it's exciting that we get to make it "official", and have a party to celebrate! ;)

I only hope I can be there for them as much as they have both been there for me!

 

Bridesmaids with the beautiful bride-to-be (top right)

 

Day 8: Tmeline of your day

Since I know SO many people care what I do every moment of my day...;)  Haha, here it goes:

5:00/5:30 - I try to get up in the morning to exercise...sometimes it happens, sometimes not.  I am really focusing on dropping some of this weight!  After that I take a shower. 

6:00/6:30 - Evalee wakes up and then the fun really begins ;)  She is normally a pretty happy camper in the morning...just typical 2-year-old drama. :)

7:15 - We leave to get Evie dropped off at daycare and me to work by 8, OR sometimes a few minutes after depending on if the drivers ahead of me are in a rush to get anywhere or not.  I occasionally get behind someone who apparently doesn't have anywhere to be...

8:00 - I start my work day...turn on the computer, chat with the co-workers a bit, look at the appointment schedule, check messages, things of that nature.

Between 9-10:  Sometime between 9 and 10 my co-worker Katie and I usually run over to the bakery to get coffee...my day is not complete or even close to productive without coffee...

The rest of the morning I spend assisting clients who walk in, have appointments, or call.  That may sound boring, but really...most days it is anything but boring.  I encounter some pretty interesting situations on a daily basis...

11:30/Noon - Lunch (time to get away from the chaos)

After lunch I do pretty much the same I do in the morning.  Our office is pretty unpredictable, so we don't ever know if we will be super busy or dead.

4:30 - WORK DAY COMPLETE!

4:45/5:00 - Pick-up Evalee! :)  BEST part of my day!

5:00/5:30 - We get home and I start figuring out what to make for supper

6:00/6:30 - We eat

7:00/7:30 - We play for a little while and then it's bath time.

8:00 - Read a story and bedtime for Evalee :)

8:30 - I work out on my elliptical for about a half an hour while I watch a T.V. show.

9:00 - Clean up the dishes and kitchen, fold laundry...and a million other little things I find to do...

Bedtime is whenever I feel like I have accomplished what I need to for the night. 

This timeline is what I do Monday-Friday, and believe me...this is my IDEAL schedule, not one that happens every day...in fact...very rarely does that schedule happen just like that.  Sometimes Evie insists on bath time before supper, and then sometimes needs another bath AFTER supper! :)  And sometimes we read one story, sometimes ten stories, and sometimes that one story, ten times!  Structure and schedules are good, but I think it's always important to not be so set on your schedule that you forget to just live.

In the midst of our daily routines, I think it's important to remember that the world isn't going to end because we are ten minutes late for work...already going to be late?  Go grab a coffee...why not?!  The dishes can wait...paint your daughter's fingernails.  Super tired and don't feel like folding that basket of laundry?  Go to bed! 

Ironically, I heard this song on my way to work today...and it does a really good job of putting things in perspective.  "Start living...that's the next thing on my list".

"My List"
Toby Keith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uDxF5q0V9s