Most people that know me know that I've lost a son...but most don't know all the details aside from those pretty close to me. I haven't openly discussed it with many people I know because I think people get uncomfortable talking about it...or even listening to me talk about it...but this is my version of what happened that day...
It was a Thursday...any normal Thursday for me. I had watched the American Idol season finale the night before..Scotty won...anywhoo...I went to work and Bentlee's father was watching him for a couple of hours before he went to work. He dropped him off with his babysitter around 10 a.m. I had a meeting that night, so my mom was going to pick Bentlee up from the babysitter by 5 and I would pick him up from her when I got done with my meeting.
I was typically in my office alone as we were between staff people, but my boss was up for the day to go to the meeting with me. I had gotten a few phone calls from a random sales person earlier that day on my cell phone, so when I went to take my garbage out to the dumpster in back and heard my phone go off I didn't think anything of it. As I was walking back up to my office my phone was ringing again...and all I could think was "Goodness...that guy really want to sell me something!!" I looked at my phone and to my surprised I had two missed calls from my son's babysitter. I tried calling her back and got her voicemail. I had a voicemail on my phone so I called and what I heard put me into a shock...all I really remember being said on the voicemail is "he's not breathing!" In a frantic panic I yelled for my boss and said "I have go to...my son's not breathing!" I then called the sitter's phone back...this time a police officer answered. At this point I'm bascially screaming...asking where my son is...if he's ok...he wouldn't answer my question as to if he's ok...he just told me he was being transported to the Orange City Hospital, and I needed to get there A.S.A.P.
My boss of course would not let me drive myself...thank goodness...we hopped in her work vehicle and she drove me as fast as she could to the hospital where my son apparently was going. I called the hospital and and talked to the E.R. nurse and she wouldn't give me any answers either...just simply said again that I needed to get there A.S.A.P. but that he was indeed there...her exact words were "he's not breathing very well, and the doctors are working on him". At that point a million things were running through my mind. I called his father and told him to get there fast, and called my mom to tell her to not pick Bentlee up from the sitter's that he was at the hospital...she of course rushed there as well.
When I FINALLY got there...even though the normal 15-20 minute commute took us between 7-10 minutes, it seemed like an eternity...they put me into a room and had me wait...and wait...and wait...my boss stayed with me until Bentlee's dad got there...and right as he walked in the door, so did the doctor. The look on the doctor's face was not reassuring. He simply said "I'm sorry...there's nothing else we can do." I just remember asking "What happened to him?!?!" The doctor couldn't answer that question...he just said it appeared as though he "stopped breathing"...it looked like a "SIDS case" he said...I knew what SIDS was, but at that point, I didn't understand how...how could he "just stop breathing"? They didn't mention how he was found (back/stomach etc...) and I guess I just assumed he was on his back and just stopped breathing for no known reason...at that point, I was in complete shock...and that was the last thing on my brain...those questions came a little later...
Close family slowly started to trickle in...I got a lot of solid hugs...lots of people sobbing...I kept my head down a lot...I don't really remember a lot of faces. Bentlee's pediatrician came from labor and delivery once she heard the news to try and somewhat comfort us that it wasn't our fault...that SIDS isn't anyone's fault...somewhere in the midst of all the chaos we (Bentlee's father and I) were brought back to where he was...something I won't go into much detail about because it was "our time" with him...but we did get to see him.
Eventually...after discussing funeral homes and autopsy things, we didn't have anything left to do at the hospital and we left. Bentlee's father and I went to the babysitter's house...gave hugs...explained what we knew...tried to somewhat comfort...shed some more tears and picked up Bentlee's things.
We didn't call many people at all because we didn't really want anyone to know quite yet, but I did get a few text messages from people who had heard through the grapevine and had a few people try to call me...I made one phone call that day to my friend Teri...I'm sure she remembers the conversation well...we talk about it every now and then. She couldn't believe how calm I was...but I had cried all afternoon...and was pretty much out of tears at that point...
The next few days brought many more tears...lots of arrangements...lots of anger...mood swings...hugs...break downs...more hugs...more tears...lots of calls....lots of people wanting information...nosey people...it's amazing how many people want to be your friend on Facebook when they hear something tragic happened! I got plenty of friend requests. Amongst all of that, I had to tell my family I was pregnant...just to be sure I was taking care of myself during this time...
The funeral was small...we didn't put it in the paper prior...we notified who we wanted to be there...I am not someone who wanted a bunch of fake people there for a show...
I think the hardest thing was adjusting to not having to care for another little human being anymore...atleast not one living outside my body...I was so used to focusing all my attention on him that I didn't know how to focus on myself anymore...I didn't know what to do with myself. I submersed myself in work and just making sure I was being healthy...I did talk to a few "couselor" type figures and talked to my doctor a lot at my prenatal visists during my second pregnancy. A pregnancy I pretty much kept a secret...
A lot of people would tell me how strong I was, and that was really the last thing I considered myself to be...in my eyes I was a complete mess who was trying her hardest just to make it through...my pregnancy was pretty much the only thing keeping me going...knowing I had something to look forward to again...knowing I was going to have the chance to care for another little person again.
If I have learned anything through this tragedy, it is that our children are only ever lent to us. Hold them closely every single day!
Just so you know...I'm preparing myself to read this. I need to get myself in a place where I can handle it without losing it. I'm going to read it now. Even having called you the day after you lost your Angel and having heard it all from you...reading someone's story is so...I don't know...powerful. Ok - I'm going to read this now. Kleenex standing by...
ReplyDeleteOh Meghan... You experienced what so many of us fear more than anything on earth. And you have survived. This tragedy...that would make even the strongest of us crumble and give up...made you better. I don't know how, I don't know how you got out of bed - well, because of your baby girl, I'm sure. But you improved your life, you kept loving and kept living; and for all of that and so much more, you have my admiration and my respect. Yes, it probably does make people very uncomfortable to hear about your loss because it is the thing we fear the most - to lose our own child. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. You should. You should talk to those of us who will listen, because by sharing, we heal - and we teach and inspire. And that is the gift you've given - teaching us how to continue to love and live in the face of such utter tragedy. I remember talking to you the day after you lost him...it's ok if you don't remember. I remember not knowing what to say to you. Or how to comfort you. And I didn't pretend like I knew. I just sat on the phone and cried with you and then when we hung up, I just prayed. I prayed and prayed - I prayed harder that day and in the coming days than I remember ever praying. I wanted you to feel some kind of peace, some kind of loving and safe arms around you. I hope that my prayers gave you that, eventually. They say "God has a plan" - but I don't think this was His "plan" - why would He "plan" for an innocent and loved baby to leave his wonderful mother so early? No, God didn't plan this. Horrible things happen, and we cannot ever understand why. But God is there to wrap us in His love when these things happen. He's there to help us continue to love and live. I hope every day that goes by you feel more healing, more peace, and know His love. I love you! I love Bentlee! I love Evie!
ReplyDeleteI do remember, Monica :) I remember talking to you. It's a little blurry as to what was said...but I do remember. Thank you for your kind words!
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