A Job Well Done...

Since I was stuck on something to write about, I went looking through pictures...they say a picture is worth a thousand words...and this picture certainly does it for me. 

2 1/2 of the 4 years of college I had, I worked for a non-profit organization called Girls Inc.  It is an after school and summer program for girls ages 6-18.  I started out as a teacher in the SMART Center and also helped out in the tutoring center, and eventually was promoted to the Administrative Coordinator.  I loved my job...the people I worked with, the girls, everything about it.  The people I met and the experiences I had during my 2 1/2 years at Girls Inc, changed my life.



In this picture we were ice-skating (if you can't tell - haha).  One of the many fun things we got to enjoy with the girls.  What a perfect job...you almost got to experience getting to be a kid again, but at the same time, are impacting girls in such a positive way. 

There have been many times in the years since I have left Girls Inc, that I have struggled with certain things in my life, and I have to admit, have done some things that I would never have advised the girls I worked with to do.  As I have dealt with some of my struggles in life, I have asked myself..."What would I have told one of those girls to do?  What would my advice to them have been?"  I look back at myself at that point in my life and realize that the answer to our problems is never usually too far away...it's just sometimes so hard to see the solution when you are in the middle of the chaos.

It amazes me how much you can learn from children.  When I was working at Girls Inc, I was years away from becoming a mom myself yet, but I felt so much like a mother figure to all of those girls.  They taught me so much, and I can only hope that I left a positive imprint on their lives as well.  Amazingly, I still keep in contact with so many of those girls, their parents, and my fellow co-workers from that time in my life, and it is so fun to watch how much all of those lives have changed in such a positive way. 

It sometimes saddens me to look back at that point in my life because of all the wonderful memories I had with such remarkable people, but at the same time look back with such awe at how much I have learned from those experiences and how much I have grown since then.  What a gift it was to meet such wonderful people and to have most of them still in my life today.

Just another day at the office...

One of my co-workers and I have a small obsession with Maurices...so today she asked me if I wanted to go check out Maruices during lunch break...I of course am broke until payday, but how can you resist a trip to such a great store?  I immediately found a pair of shoes I *almost* couldn't resist...I am secretly praying they still have my size next Friday when I get paid so I can go back and get them...we then went to the bakery for lunch which is always a good choice. 

I tell you...this co-worker of mine...she has heard IT ALL from me!  She has seen me at my worst and my best...we laugh...A LOT...in the office.  I admire her a lot for many things she does.  She has been my sounding board on many occasions, and I hope she's reading this because she has really made my job enjoyable, and my life more tolerable a lot of times!

There are 3 of us in my office...and we all have such a great time...at least I do...haha!  We deal with a lot of crazy, frustrating situations and I have learned that instead of taking it personally...you just learn to laugh about it...laugh at the silly things people do and say, and the crazy situations people get themselves into.  It seems like every day I go to work I end up going home thankful for something different.  Whether it be thankful that I just simply have common sense, or on a more serious note, thankful that I have family that is always there to help me out.

If I have learned anything through my work, it's that those of us who have family/friends/neighbors that are willing to help us out during a difficult time, whether it be financial or emotional, are extremely lucky.  Not everyone has that kind of support, and I know I thank my lucky stars every day for my support system.  Without them I don't know what I would do or where I would be. 

I think the saying goes..."What if we woke up tomorrow with only the things we thanked God for yesterday?"  Everyone has problems...everyone has something in their life they wish were better...but the truth is...it could always be worse.  If we all threw our problems into a huge pile, we would grab ours back pretty quickly.  I firmly believe God equips those he hands certain struggles to with the ability to handle those struggles, and we are given certain people in life to help us through. 

I am glad I get to help people in my line of work...some appreciate it...some don't...but in the end, regardless of whether they appreciate it or not...whether they really deserve the help or not, I am still helping people.  A lot of the time they leave my office with a weight lifted off their shoulders, and who doesn't need that once in a while?

Although I am thankful for my job, I am also very thankful for my weekends!  There is truly nothing better than spending time with my daughter!  I was very ready to see 4:30 come today, and I am happy to be home in my sweats.  :)

Remember to be thankful every day for the things in your life that you would be devastated to wake up without tomorrow!

Our children are only ever lent to us...

Most people that know me know that I've lost a son...but most don't know all the details aside from those pretty close to me.  I haven't openly discussed it with many people I know because I think people get uncomfortable talking about it...or even listening to me talk about it...but this is my version of what happened that day...

It was a Thursday...any normal Thursday for me.  I had watched the American Idol season finale the night before..Scotty won...anywhoo...I went to work and Bentlee's father was watching him for a couple of hours before he went to work. He dropped him off with his babysitter around 10 a.m.  I had a meeting that night, so my mom was going to pick Bentlee up from the babysitter by 5 and I would pick him up from her when I got done with my meeting.

I was typically in my office alone as we were between staff people, but my boss was up for the day to go to the meeting with me.  I had gotten a few phone calls from a random sales person earlier that day on my cell phone, so when I went to take my garbage out to the dumpster in back and heard my phone go off I didn't think anything of it.  As I was walking back up to my office my phone was ringing again...and all I could think was "Goodness...that guy really want to sell me something!!"  I looked at my phone and to my surprised I had two missed calls from my son's babysitter.  I tried calling her back and got her voicemail.  I had a voicemail on my phone so I called and what I heard put me into a shock...all I really remember being said on the voicemail is "he's not breathing!"  In a frantic panic I yelled for my boss and said "I have go to...my son's not breathing!"  I then called the sitter's phone back...this time a police officer answered.  At this point I'm bascially screaming...asking where my son is...if he's ok...he wouldn't answer my question as to if he's ok...he just told me he was being transported to the Orange City Hospital, and I needed to get there A.S.A.P.

My boss of course would not let me drive myself...thank goodness...we hopped in her work vehicle and she drove me as fast as she could to the hospital where my son apparently was going.  I called the hospital and and talked to the E.R. nurse and she wouldn't give me any answers either...just simply said again that I needed to get there A.S.A.P. but that he was indeed there...her exact words were "he's not breathing very well, and the doctors are working on him".  At that point a million things were running through my mind.  I called his father and told him to get there fast, and called my mom to tell her to not pick Bentlee up from the sitter's that he was at the hospital...she of course rushed there as well. 

When I FINALLY got there...even though the normal 15-20 minute commute took us between 7-10 minutes, it seemed like an eternity...they put me into a room and had me wait...and wait...and wait...my boss stayed with me until Bentlee's dad got there...and right as he walked in the door, so did the doctor.  The look on the doctor's face was not reassuring.  He simply said "I'm sorry...there's nothing else we can do."  I just remember asking "What happened to him?!?!"  The doctor couldn't answer that question...he just said it appeared as though he "stopped breathing"...it looked like a "SIDS case" he said...I knew what SIDS was, but at that point, I didn't understand how...how could he "just stop breathing"?  They didn't mention how he was found (back/stomach etc...) and I guess I just assumed he was on his back and just stopped breathing for no known reason...at that point, I was in complete shock...and that was the last thing on my brain...those questions came a little later...

Close family slowly started to trickle in...I got a lot of solid hugs...lots of people sobbing...I kept my head down a lot...I don't really remember a lot of faces.  Bentlee's pediatrician came from labor and delivery once she heard the news to try and somewhat comfort us that it wasn't our fault...that SIDS isn't anyone's fault...somewhere in the midst of all the chaos we (Bentlee's father and I) were brought back to where he was...something I won't go into much detail about because it was "our time" with him...but we did get to see him.

Eventually...after discussing funeral homes and autopsy things, we didn't have anything left to do at the hospital and we left.  Bentlee's father and I went to the babysitter's house...gave hugs...explained what we knew...tried to somewhat comfort...shed some more tears and picked up Bentlee's things. 

We didn't call many people at all because we didn't really want anyone to know quite yet, but I did get a few text messages from people who had heard through the grapevine and had a few people try to call me...I made one phone call that day to my friend Teri...I'm sure she remembers the conversation well...we talk about it every now and then.  She couldn't believe how calm I was...but I had cried all afternoon...and was pretty much out of tears at that point...

The next few days brought many more tears...lots of arrangements...lots of anger...mood swings...hugs...break downs...more hugs...more tears...lots of calls....lots of people wanting information...nosey people...it's amazing how many people want to be your friend on Facebook when they hear something tragic happened!  I got plenty of friend requests.  Amongst all of that, I had to tell my family I was pregnant...just to be sure I was taking care of myself during this time...

The funeral was small...we didn't put it in the paper prior...we notified who we wanted to be there...I am not someone who wanted a bunch of fake people there for a show...

I think the hardest thing was adjusting to not having to care for another little human being anymore...atleast not one living outside my body...I was so used to focusing all my attention on him that I didn't know how to focus on myself anymore...I didn't know what to do with myself.  I submersed myself in work and just making sure I was being healthy...I did talk to a few "couselor" type figures and talked to my doctor a lot at my prenatal visists during my second pregnancy.  A pregnancy I pretty much kept a secret...

A lot of people would tell me how strong I was, and that was really the last thing I considered myself to be...in my eyes I was a complete mess who was trying her hardest just to make it through...my pregnancy was pretty much the only thing keeping me going...knowing I had something to look forward to again...knowing I was going to have the chance to care for another little person again.

If I have learned anything through this tragedy, it is that our children are only ever lent to us.  Hold them closely every single day! 

From the top...

I have always kind of been a writer, but have never much been into the blogging scene.  I enjoy reading other people's blogs, so I thought I would give it a try.

In order to completely grasp what I'm here for, I should probably get into a little bit about my past...althought that can be kind of scary at times...but here it goes...

After high school, I spent 4 years in Sioux City going to college and working full time.  I met a lot of really great people who have become true staples in my life.  Once I graduated from college - with an Associate Degree mind you - yes, I went to school for 4 years and came out with an Associate Degree...I guess that's what happens to people with indecisive minds.  Anywhoo, once I got my degree, unable to find a decent paying job in Sioux City, I moved back home where I found a job in a field I enjoy.  I am currently still employed with the same Non-Profit, and I love my job. 

Somewhere in the midst of all the school and work business, I met a guy...well...reconnected with a guy...who I went to high school with.  We hit it off and started dating...not too far down that dating road, I found myself pregnant...needless to say my family (especially my parents) weren't overly excited by this news.  In my small, conservative hometown, I think it would be safe to say that it is frowned upon to become pregnant out of wedlock - not that it doesn't happen.  It was a bumpy, pregnant road, but I managed and 9 months later found myself very in love with the most beautiful little human being I could have ever imagined.  It's moments like those you never forget in life...the moments that truly take your breath away...yes, they exist.  I gave birth to my perfect 7 lb. 3 oz baby boy, Bentlee Jacob on February 11, 2011.  I couldn't have been more proud at that moment in my life. 

I had scrounged enough savings to be able to stay home for around 2 1/2 months with him on maternity leave, and I loved every sleepless night of it.  I wasn't one of the fortuate ones who was able to be a stay-at-home mom, althought I would have loved to be.  About a month of me being back to work, I got a phone call that I think stopped my heart...my son was not breating and I was informed to go to the hospital as soon as I could.  I called his father and we both rushed down there.  May 26, 2011 changed my life more deeply than I think any day of my life ever will.  The doctor tragically informed us that there was nothing they could do.  Our son had passed from what they believed was SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).  I suppose that is something I will elaborate on in another post.

What most people didn't know at that time, aside from dealing with the death of my son, I had also newly found out (via home pregnancy test) about a week before his death, that I was pregnant again...yes...my son was 3 1/2 months old and I was pregnant...again...and again out of wedlock.  It was a roar of mixed emotions about a lot of things...and I had a lot of decissions to make between then and now...and obvioulsy...I am still here, alive and well.

About 9 months after the death of my son, I became a mama for the 2nd time.  I brought into the world a healthy 9 lb. 5 oz. sweet baby girl...who is now a feisty 1 year old and my entire world. 

I hope to elaborate on a few things in my blog ;), but that is the last 2 years in a nut-shell...a very small nut-shell.