Life after SIDS

Cause of Death: Unknown

This is what Bentlee's death certificate reads.  Probably one of the most difficult things I had to deal with and continue to deal with on a daily basis is the "unknown".  Why?  Why my son?  How?  What caused it?

When the medical examiner called me with the autopsy results, he simply said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my son, and that they unfortunately had no medical reasoning as to why he passed away.  I asked him if they could tell if he suffocated, and he said in babies that small, they can't which is why they classify deaths like that as "SIDS".  He explained that even though he couldn't give me a "medical reasoning", their understanding when a baby is found on their belly, not breathing, that the baby "smothered" because it didn't know to turn its head to breathe.  I don't know exactly what happened that day, and I don't beat myself up over it, but SIDS has affected my life deeply in how I live and especially in the decisions I have made in regard to my daughter.

Knowing I was pregnant a week before Bentlee passed away was a true blessing more than anything, but it didn't come without some major anxiety.  

I managed to get through my pregnancy and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen!  Most people tell you to send your baby to the nursery so you can get a few winks of sleep while you are in the hospital, but that's not how it went for me.  I spent very little time sleeping.  Between my mom and I (God bless her), we took turns staying up and watching little Evalee, making sure she didn't stop breathing.  I just didn't trust anyone else, not even the nurses.  Trust was a huge obstacle for me to overcome.  Trust that anyone who watched my child would watch them just as carefully as their own.  I also struggled with the unknown part of everything that had happened with Bentlee.  This made me overly cautious with everything I did with Evalee. 

One of the absolute WORST parts of my hospital stay with Evalee were those videos you had to watch...you know...the car seat and SIDS videos?  Yes, they even made me watch them.  When the nurse came in and found me bawling after the first 5 minutes of the SIDS video, she decided that maybe I didn't need to watch it.  It was at that point that another nurse came in and decided she would tell me that she understood what I was going through because she lost her adult son in a tragic accident.  Tragic, yes, comparable to my situation, No.  I nodded in agreement with tears rolling down my face when all I really wanted to say was "Look lady, I just lost my 3 month old son 9 months ago to an unknown reason, and I am now holding a newborn baby in complete fear that it will happen again!"

Evalee was prescribed an apnea monitor for her first 6 months of life, mainly for my peace of mind.  The type that is better than the ones you can buy in any store, which was a HUGE relief for me. It not only detected her breathing, but also her heart rate.  There were a few false alarms that made me jump out of bed before my brain was even functioning, but it was well worth it. After the first six months, my friend gave me her Angel Care monitor to use which also detected her breathing.  If it weren't for those two devices, I wouldn't have slept at night.

When it came to child care, I knew I wasn't going to be able to let anyone aside from myself or my mom watch Evalee.  I knew that my mom wouldn't let her out of her sight, and would use the monitor religiously.  *Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my mom?!*  My mom was able to work out a VERY flexible schedule with her boss for the first year of Evalee's life.  My mom watched her for me while I went to work.  I can't say that I was 100% anxiety free even with these arrangements, but knowing Evalee was in my mom's care was a huge relief for me.

I had to work out a system with my mom though, to where she would text me if she needed something that wasn't an emergency at work because every time the phone would ring and it was her, I would have a small heart attack.  Anytime I would get a phone call from her when she is watching Evalee I had flashbacks and would immediately go into panic mode.

Now that Evalee is older, she goes to daycare a few mornings a week to get in some socialization with other children her age.  She does really well, and I have grown from it as well.  I can't say I don't worry, because I do, but it's getting better.

If I have more children in the future I will probably be just as much of an over-protective mama, but that is ok by me. :)

Bentlee on the left, Evalee on the right, if you couldn't tell by the pink/blue? :)

May Memories

I haven't posted in a while...but today I have sort of a heavy heart.  May usually brings back some pretty loving memories, but also brings back a lot of sorrow and tears.  With Mother's Day coming up I can't help but feel thankful for the opportunity God has given me to become a mommy of two beautiful babies, but at the same time, I would be lying if I said I wasn't even a little upset with God sometimes.

May of 2011 was a great month in a lot of ways.  I got to experience my first Mother's Day, Bentlee was actually baptized that Mother's day.  He was such a happy boy pretty much all the time.  I was back to work so the time I did get to spend with him I just soaked in.  He was my pride and joy.  We would go on walks after I got off of work, and we would snuggle and watch American Idol after I got done with supper and cleaning up the apartment.  I loved every minute of my time with him, YES, even the sleepless nights!  I also found out I was pregnant with my little Evalee in May of 2011.  About a week after I found out I was pregnant again, Bentlee passed away.  It is just so crazy to me how so much happiness can turn to so much sadness in the blink of an eye. 

I remember specifically one of the things that really triggered my emotions after the loss of my son, and still triggers my emotions to this day is when I log on to Facebook and see people complaining about how their baby never sleeps, or how their pregnancy is just killing them.  I remember being so upset that someone could complain about something I would give anything to have back.  This goes for so many things in life, so I challenge everyone (including myself), that before you complain about something, think about all those people in this world that would give anything to have what you are complaining about, because my friends, it can always be worse.  Not only do I challenge you to think before you complain, but to also thank God every single day for all the blessings we have in this life.

"Count your blessings and your problems….If your problems outnumber your blessings, Count Again….Chances are the things that you take for granted were not added up…"

When tragedy strikes, such as when the bombs went off in Boston, or when those innocent children were slaughtered in that Newtown elementary school, we quickly hold tight to our children and families and give them an extra hug and kiss that night.  Truth is, we should be doing that every night.  Tragedy strikes when we least expect it and nobody is immune to it.   

Tonight, and every night, give your loved ones a kiss for Bentlee, for those Boston victims, for those innocent children killed in Newtown, and just for the mere fact that tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My handsome little man at his 3 month photo shoot in May of 2011 :)