Learning to Awaken Grace

We would be celebrating Bentlee’s 6^th birthday tomorrow, and he would be over halfway done with his Kindergarten year of school.  I wonder what kind of birthday party he would have requested?  Things would be so much different with him here with us.  Evie would have a best friend and partner in crime, and this mama would definitely have her hands full, but I'd be loving every minute of it. 

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my son.  When I lost him, I also lost his future.  I didn’t just lose him at 3 months old, I lost him at 1, and 2, and 10, and 16, and every year in between and beyond.  Every year that passes I lose him all over again.  I grieved the loss when he passed, and I will forever grieve the loss of who he would be.      

There will never be a day, a minute, or a second that I stop loving my son, nor will there be a time when I “move on” or “get over” his death.  There is no bandage to stop the bleeding of this broken heart or a magic glue to put together the broken pieces.  I will always wonder what my son would look like as the years pass by, and imagine how his personality would grow and change with him - just as much as there will never come a time when I don’t envision how seamlessly he would have fit into our family. 

Grief lasts a lifetime because love does.  When you lose a child you don’t stop loving them.  You love them through every missed birthday, holiday, and milestone.  You love them through the first days of school and graduations that will never happen.   Time does not make the empty chair at Thanksgiving dinner, the empty space in family pictures, or the forever hole in our hearts any less empty.  The love, the grief, and the emptiness will stay with us forever.

I have always wanted to do something to honor Bentlee to keep his memory alive.  I have done small pay-it-forward type actions, and started traditions for Evalee and I to help her understand and remember her brother, but until this past year, I had not been able to find my place in this world to make a difference and honor him at the same time. 

This past year, I was asked by the founder of the Awakening Grace Foundation if I would join them in carrying out their mission to provide resources and support services to families enduring the loss of child in pregnancy or early infancy.  Completely honored, I accepted.  It has taken me some time to come full circle with my place within Awakening Grace, and at times wondered if it was the right fit.  These two women have so much passion and drive, and I have had six years to learn a new normal in dealing with the grief of the loss of a child.  I didn’t know if I had what it was going to take, but through a lot of thought, and deep discussion, it dawned on me that this is exactly what I needed. 

This opportunity presented itself at a time in my life that I needed it the most.  You see – we bereaved mothers are thrown into this club that you can never leave, and although you never wish it upon anyone to join your club, this club is so bitterly sweet because in its immense sorrow, it is made up of these beautiful, compassionate, loving, resilient, powerhouse women.  They are relentless survivors, and hands down the most life-changing people I have ever met.

I am learning so much about myself through Awakening Grace.  There are so many things I had no idea that I didn’t know how to feel, and so many wounds I didn’t know were still raw.  I am learning to open up and use my life experiences to help others, and inevitably, doing what I have wanted to do all along – honor the memory of my son by making a difference, and I have Awakening Grace to thank for that.