Learning to Awaken Grace

We would be celebrating Bentlee’s 6^th birthday tomorrow, and he would be over halfway done with his Kindergarten year of school.  I wonder what kind of birthday party he would have requested?  Things would be so much different with him here with us.  Evie would have a best friend and partner in crime, and this mama would definitely have her hands full, but I'd be loving every minute of it. 

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my son.  When I lost him, I also lost his future.  I didn’t just lose him at 3 months old, I lost him at 1, and 2, and 10, and 16, and every year in between and beyond.  Every year that passes I lose him all over again.  I grieved the loss when he passed, and I will forever grieve the loss of who he would be.      

There will never be a day, a minute, or a second that I stop loving my son, nor will there be a time when I “move on” or “get over” his death.  There is no bandage to stop the bleeding of this broken heart or a magic glue to put together the broken pieces.  I will always wonder what my son would look like as the years pass by, and imagine how his personality would grow and change with him - just as much as there will never come a time when I don’t envision how seamlessly he would have fit into our family. 

Grief lasts a lifetime because love does.  When you lose a child you don’t stop loving them.  You love them through every missed birthday, holiday, and milestone.  You love them through the first days of school and graduations that will never happen.   Time does not make the empty chair at Thanksgiving dinner, the empty space in family pictures, or the forever hole in our hearts any less empty.  The love, the grief, and the emptiness will stay with us forever.

I have always wanted to do something to honor Bentlee to keep his memory alive.  I have done small pay-it-forward type actions, and started traditions for Evalee and I to help her understand and remember her brother, but until this past year, I had not been able to find my place in this world to make a difference and honor him at the same time. 

This past year, I was asked by the founder of the Awakening Grace Foundation if I would join them in carrying out their mission to provide resources and support services to families enduring the loss of child in pregnancy or early infancy.  Completely honored, I accepted.  It has taken me some time to come full circle with my place within Awakening Grace, and at times wondered if it was the right fit.  These two women have so much passion and drive, and I have had six years to learn a new normal in dealing with the grief of the loss of a child.  I didn’t know if I had what it was going to take, but through a lot of thought, and deep discussion, it dawned on me that this is exactly what I needed. 

This opportunity presented itself at a time in my life that I needed it the most.  You see – we bereaved mothers are thrown into this club that you can never leave, and although you never wish it upon anyone to join your club, this club is so bitterly sweet because in its immense sorrow, it is made up of these beautiful, compassionate, loving, resilient, powerhouse women.  They are relentless survivors, and hands down the most life-changing people I have ever met.

I am learning so much about myself through Awakening Grace.  There are so many things I had no idea that I didn’t know how to feel, and so many wounds I didn’t know were still raw.  I am learning to open up and use my life experiences to help others, and inevitably, doing what I have wanted to do all along – honor the memory of my son by making a difference, and I have Awakening Grace to thank for that.

"All We Can Do Is Learn to Swim..."

Something happened to me this week, and it had me questioning if I was really ok.  I put on a strong, happy face to most people, and the majority of the days, I really am doing pretty ok, but there is a good amount of time that I am still dealing with the struggles and emotions that come with death of loved ones. 

This past weekend, Evie and I went to Correctionville to visit Nick’s family – our very dear friends – a second family as I like to think of them.  It had been far too long, and it was so wonderful to visit and catch up.  A new baby, a growing toddler…it seemed like everyone had new and exciting things going on in their lives, and it felt so wonderful to be able to connect again.  I missed them, Evie missed them, and part of my soul craves their presence in our lives.  They are part of us now, and I can't imagine life without them in it.

We had a wonderful time, and I am so glad we went to see them, but I couldn't help but notice myself being more quiet that usual, or the overwhelming sense of emotion that overcame me a couple of times while we were there.  I wasn't sure if it was seeing Nick's picture, seeing his loyal German Shepherd, or just being in the home that Nick was so proud to bring me to meet his parents the first time - likely a combination of all of the above. 

The drive home made me a little somber as well.  The route I had routinely taken when I went to see Nick had been closed off for the longest time due to construction, but is finally now open again, so I took the route home I had taken so many times before.  I couldn't believe something so simple as a driving route could bring back so many emotions.  I had driven that route many times after his passing, and it hadn't made me emotional many of those times, why now?  Why did this visit and this drive make me so teary-eyed?  I couldn't put my finger on it.

I started to really question if I was ok, and if I had "grieved properly".  I wondered if I was still hanging onto something that I needed to let go of.  I mean, it has been over two years since we lost him, and I shouldn't still be dealing with these emotions, right?  I'm sure many of you are thinking the same thing...that someone who lost her boyfriend almost three years ago should have long moved on...

Society tells us there is this "grieving process"...a smooth line we are supposed to follow through the journey of grief.  It outlines steps to follow along the way...things we are supposed to feel at different stages of this grieving game. 

In a perfect world, everything would have a clear-cut process.  We would know exactly how to get from point A to point B with no bumps or detours in between.  Our paths would all look like the same beautifully drawn, smooth, straight line.  

The reality is, there is no scientific formula for grief.  Not one person's path is going to look just like the other's.  You can't tell anyone what they are going to feel at any point in their grieving journey because as much as we would like to be able to control and predict everything, it just simply is not possible.

Of all the definitions and comparisons for grief out there, I found this to be the most accurate in my opinion:

 

For the rest of my life, that Ocean water is going to continue to be unpredictable.  There are going to be times that the grief comes and rips my feet right from under me.  This past weekend the water in my Ocean was overwhelming, but I didn't drown because through all the ups and downs of this insane hand I have been dealt in life, I have learned to be a damn good swimmer. 

Dear Bentlee

Dear Bentlee,

This time of year my mind frequently wanders back to 2011, the year I became a mommy for the first time.   Some days it's hard to believe that it has been five years.  It goes back to the short three and a half months I had with you on this Earth.  It re-lives the hospital stay, the first few sleepless nights, all the snuggles, the coos, the lullabyes, and all of the nights I rocked you to sleep while your daddy was working late.  I cherished those nights alone with you – I would rock you and watch you sleep until I couldn’t stay awake myself any longer. 

You were such a content baby.  Your grandma always tells me that you had the same temperament I had as a little one.  I’ll take that as a compliment because you were perfect.  You had your fussy moments, but you were always easily consoled if I scooped you up and sang to you or simply just rocked you in my arms. 

Unfortunately, my mind also flashes back to the tragic day we lost you, and the overwhelming guilt and regret I felt going back to work sooner than I would have liked, and the “what ifs” I felt.  What if I would have stayed home with you longer?  What if I your grandma would have watched you?  What if I would have stayed home with you that day?  The sad reality, sweet boy, is that I could “what if” myself from here to the moon and back again, but that isn’t going to change the past and bring you back to me.  God had other plans for you, precious child, and unfortunately, for those of us who love you dearly on this Earth, it means we were going to have to live the rest of our lives missing you.

I still have my “poor me” moments despite trying my very best to carry myself through this never-ending grieving process.   I see other friends and family members having babies, and it reminds me that I am technically a mother of two, I just don’t have both of mine here on this Earth with me.  Although I know that doesn’t make me any less of a mother, it does make me sad, angry, and yes, even jealous seeing other moms getting to love their children in living, breathing, human form.   A lot of people would tell me that I have every right to feel that way, and although there is truth to that, what it really comes down to is that I have a choice – I can let the grief consume and overwhelm me, making me angry and bitter, and eventually let it destroy me, or I can let the grief change me and strengthen me so I can create the best, happiest life possible for your sister and I.  I choose strength – Lord knows I need it!

Let me tell you about that sister of yours, Evalee Marie.  Oh how I know you two would love to hate each other, just as any other siblings, and at the same time be the best of friends.  Some days I catch myself envisioning you two playing together, picking fights, and driving this momma a little crazy.  ☺️ I get an ache in my heart knowing you would be the best big brother a girl could ask for, but at the same time can’t help but feel blessed knowing that Evalee will always have her brother watching over her.  She’s a spit fire, that one, and she is going to need your protective eye watching over her. 

We love you, Bentlee.  We think and speak of you often, and miss you more than our hearts can handle some days.  You have impacted our lives more than anyone will ever know.  You have taught me that my broken heart can still be beautiful, and that it is possible to smile again after a tragedy.  You gave me the strength I needed to endure another tragic loss after yours, and you gave me peace in knowing that there is something greater beyond this life – for a life so young and precious as yours would not have been taken from this Earth so soon if there wasn’t something grander waiting for you.  You taught me to cherish every single minute we are given with our loved ones, and to not take our loved ones, or our time with them, for granted.  You helped move in me the drive and desire to be the best mother I can be to your sister.  You continue to do so every day. 

Thank you, my beautiful son, for lighting a fire in me.

I love you to the moon and back again,

Mommy

Positives to Dating a Single Mom...

It’s no secret that the world is full of single moms these days.  It seems they have become more of the majority than the minority.  To some, the idea of dating a single mom may be scary or just not an option.  Although to some it may seem like there are more negatives than positives to dating a single mom, and I am sure someone could come up with a post about reasons to never date a single mom, I thought I would share some positives to getting involved with a woman who is raising her kids solo (or partly solo).

1. She can roll with the punches.

Single moms have a lot on their plate, a lot of which pops up unexpectedly.  She has likely had a kid throw up seconds before walking out the door, a babysitter cancel last minute, or a sick kid the day before a business trip.  She is likely going to be pretty understanding if something comes up at work and you have to work late and post-pone or cancel a date. 

1. She is independent.

Single moms have a world of their own and kiddos to worry about.  If you say you need some space or time to yourself, she will respect it.  Balancing work, kids, and a social life is a task in and of itself.  She understands the value of alone time, and will be perfectly ok with you leading your own life, just as she will continue to lead hers.

1. She loves like no other.

When you are all your child has, you learn to love them that much harder.  Although single moms are some of the toughest people on the planet, they also have some of the softest souls you will ever meet.  They know what it feels like to have a piece of their heart walking around outside of their body.  They are lovers and protectors, and that transfers over into their other relationships.

1. She knows what she wants.

A single mom with either a divorce or failed relationship behind her has likely done some soul searching to figure out what she really needs to be truly happy.  She has evaluated what went wrong in her previous relationships including what her role was in the wreckage.  Breakups are hard, breakups with children – much harder.  If she is spending time with you and opening herself up to getting hurt again, she sees something special in you that makes the risk worth it.  That, my friend, should give you a lot of confidence!  If she didn’t see something special in you, she wouldn’t waste her time.

Single moms are very picky about who they let into their life, and for good reason!  They have kids to protect and worry about, so they aren’t going to just let any Joe Blow off the street walk through the door. 

We love fiercely, sweetly, and smartly – If she has chosen you, you must be pretty special.

Things I have learned as a single mom...

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would end up a single mom, I would have told you that you were crazy.  I in no way shape or form thought I would be raising a child solo, but life takes us by surprise from time to time.   The last four years of single-motherhood have definitely proven to be different than what I had envisioned for myself ten years ago.  I never imagined I would be raising a beautiful little girl by myself, let alone without the help or financial support of her biological father.   The last four years have been nothing short of both gut-wrenchingly difficult, and breathtakingly amazing.  During my time as a single-mommy, I feel like I have learned a thing or two, even though some days it still feels like I know nothing!  Here are a few things, though, that I am fairly certain about... 

People will judge you.
I mean, let's be honest here, we are all judged for one reason or another, appearance, job, house, car, you name it, and the title "single mom" is just another thing you can add to your plate of things to be judged for.  Some people will assume they know exactly how you ended up in the boat you are in, while other's don't care how you ended up there, they judge you merely on the fact that you are single and a mom.  Some feel sorry for you while others comment on how much they admire your strength.  Regardless of how others feel about your or your particular situation, it is important to remember that it's really none of your business what they think about you.

One income vs. two SUCKS.
You think it's hard supporting a family on two incomes?  Try supporting a child (or more) on one modest income.  Add to that the fact that in order to earn that one modest income, you have no choice but to place your child in daycare, which most two income households fret about.  You start wondering why you don't just stay home with your child(ren) when it seems pointless to work and spend such an enormous amount of your paycheck on daycare, and then you are reminded that you kind of need to buy food and pay bills and stuff.  There are so many times that there is more month than money at the end of your paychecks, and you have to look in your grocery cart and decide what you are going to put back so you can pay your electric bill this month.  Then there is also that occassion when you have to explain to people/co-workers why you aren't going to that funraising event that is $25 per ticket and you simply just can't afford to go because your child needs new Spring/Summer shoes and clothes. On the flipside, there is a lot of pride that comes with being the sole provider and handling it like a champ.  You really learn to prioritize.

You can't do it alone.
It truly does take a village to raise a child...especially when you are a single mom.  Just because I am doing this gig solo, doesn't mean I am completely alone in this journey.  My child, and myself, are loved by many.  Family, friends, and my out of this world daycare provider are a few of the many individuals who have been there along the way to support, encourage, and guarantee that when I need someone else to watch my kiddo, she is in fantastic care.

Feeling lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and guilty are pretty normal.
There have been many days when everything seems to go wrong.  A couple of weeks ago in particular was one of those days.  Work had been stressful that previous week, it had been snowing mountains, the dog couldn't wait an extra 30 seconds to go outside while I was trying to convince my screaming, small human that it is a good idea to wear clothes to daycare, and not a good idea to bring every stuffed animal she owns, all while I try to make sure that I at least remember to put shoes on myself.  When we finally got in the car and were ready to head down the road, the Jeep wouldn't start (again).  I called my dad, who lives about 15 minutes away, and he came to pick us up.  I dropped my dad back off at his house and took my parents' van to drop off my daughter at daycare and go to work.  It wasn't until I got to her daycare that I realized I wasn't wearing my glasses and didn't have my purse.  At that time, I did what any self-respecting, capable mother would do: I cried.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, though, are a breeze and are filled with laughter and cuddles and make everything right again.  Emotions tend to magnify when there's no other adult around to bounce them off of, and that's ok.  It just reminds us that we are human.

"Me" time is practically nonexistent, but very, very important.
I am going to be honest here, I am a terrible friend.  I have friends who I love dearly that I simply just don't see because I am just too busy being a single, working mom.  My daughter doesn't have a dad that she goes and sees on the weekends, I don't have the money for a babysitter, my mom isn't always available to watch my daughter, and sometimes, I'm frankly just too exhausted to go out and do anything after I get done with work, caring for my daughter, and trying to complete the other never ending tasks that I somehow need to find time for.  Although I don't get out a lot, and don't have a lot of time to myself, I have found that it is vital that I do something for me from time to time, even if that is simply a trip to the grocery store alone.  It's amazing how refreshing it can be to wander the isles of a grocery store with no rush or distractions. 

A Last Will and Testament is something you think about, a lot.
Even though it is important for anyone to have a Last Will and Testament when you have children, it is something that has been on my mind since before my daughter was born.  For me, being a single mother meant rewriting my Last Will and Testament twenty times because I would do anything to prevent my child from falling into the hands of my past (her biological father).  Safety and happiness weren't part of my past relationship with her biological father even though things like black eyes, fat lips, and bruises weren't always present.  I would have and will do anything possible to ensure that my child is safe and taken care of if I am unable to be here on this Earth to care for her.

For many, becoming a single parent is terrifying and exhausting at best, but for me, it was far easier and safer than the previous alternative.   With the help of my fantastic attorney, and a whole lot of grit and patience, I was able to get Evalee's biological father's rights terminated this past summer.  Although he had never been a part of her life or supported her in any way, there was always that slim chance that he could make the decision to walk back into my (our) life and turn it upside down.  You see, Evalee and I are not victims of circumstance. I carved out this life, despite its inevitable difficulties, because I knew that regardless of how hard it was going to be, we would be happier, healthier, and safer on our own.  And we are.  Often the right choice isn't the easy choice.  If I had a crystal ball and knew years ago that this would ultimately be how my (our) life would turn out, would I do anything differently?  It's hard to say, but what I know for sure is that nothing in this life happens by accident, and even if I never do another worthwhile thing the rest of my life, I know that creating her and being her mommy is and will be the best thing I have ever done.

Day 12: How have you changed in the last 5 years?

Five years ago would put us in March of 2009.  I was living in Sioux City, was still in school full-time (had about a year left), was working full-time at Girls Inc. of Sioux City, and was single with no children.

The next five years brought a crazy amount of new life-changing events.  I quit my position at Girls Inc. that spring/summer and moved home for the summer.  That was quite an adjustment since I had been on my own for the past almost 3 years.  After that summer at home, I moved back to the Sioux City area and worked at a daycare for a short time and then got a position at Greenberg's Jewelers at the Southern Hills Mall in Sioux City while I finished up my last year of school.  After graduating in May of 2010, I worked for Greenberg's until shortly after I found out I was pregnant.  I applied and accepted a job back home, which I am still currently at.

I already described in a previous blog post about my relationship with my children's biological father, so there is no need to describe all that again, but needless to say, the rest of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 was a fairly trying time in my life.

In February of 2011, I became a mommy for the first time when Bentlee Jacob entered the world at 7lbs 3oz.  While having him in my world couldn't have made me any happier, my relationship situation was far from picture perfect. 

In May of 2011, I first found out I was pregnant AGAIN only 3 short months after Bentlee was born. Two weeks later, Bentlee passed away due to SIDS at the babysitter's.  That was obviously one of the most life-changing things I have ever endured.  Talk about emotions...being pregnant after just having a baby 3 months prior, and then losing a baby 2 weeks later???!!  I am not quite sure how I survived that one...

I left that relationship situation shortly after Bentlee passed away, and started the journey of being a single pregnant lady.  I kept my pregnancy pretty quiet for the most part, and even the birth, mainly because of my situation at the time with "bio-dad".  Evalee Marie graced me with her presence in January of 2012,  and I lived in my grandparents house on my parents' farm with her.  I eventually bought my first house in December of 2012.  After fixing it up, Evalee and I moved in the week before her first birthday.

I remained single until Evalee was about a year and a half old.  I tried out the whole Match.com thing in 2012 and got a couple of guys' contact information from it after about a month, and then closed down my account.  Among those guys was Nick.  He added me to Facebook way back in July of 2012, but because of a lot of B.S. I was dealing with from Evie's bio-dad at the time, I kind of avoided "dates" to prevent someone else getting caught in all of the drama.  Nick and I kept in contact off an on for the next several months and eventually went out on a date...and well...the rest is history.  We hit it off.  It seemed like everything in my life was finally falling into place after a hectic past few years.

Unfortunately, my relationship with Nick ended tragically with his passing this past January, and I am still trying to figure out where to go from here.  Evalee and I are back to our life with just her and I, and I am back in single-mama mode. 

The past 5 years have been a whirlwind of emotion and experiences....some overwhelmingly happy, and some tragically sad.  Would I do anything differently?  Absolutely not.  We can't rewind our lives to make them perfect.  To go back and change things in our lives would be to change our whole future, and even though my past hurts terribly in a lot of ways, a lot of good came with that hurt.

In a nutshell, how I've changed in the last 5 years...I finished school and found a great job, I became a mom, I lost a child, I found love and I lost it tragically.  Through it all I gained family, friends, and a true sense of who I am and want to be. 

Day 11: A Photo That Makes You Smile :)

Ok, sorry, I picked two.  We are lucky I narrowed it down to two.  Any and ALL pictures of my little girl make me smile, but these two stood out to me the most.

 

This one is a bitter-sweet smile.  I miss him SO much, and so does Evalee, but I remember taking this picture because this moment made me smile.  Nick was watching something on T.V. (note the remote in hand)....and Evalee just hopped up next to him on the couch with the Big Animal book.  She ALWAYS did that when he was there.  He always just stopped what he was doing and read it with her.  I love especially that the book is turned to the big dog page because he always loved to make the dog noise for her, and of course had a different "bark" for each kind of dog...:)  He was a true gem, and is greatly missed by many.  These photos that makes us smile that bitter-sweet smile are true treasures.

 

 

Evalee was roughly 8 months old here.  My photographer was doing a mini session theme called "ties and tutus", and I couldn't resist.  I had recently made her a tutu, so it worked out perfect. This is probably one of my favorite baby pictures of her, EVER.  Her cheeks were (and are still) to die for, and I just love the expression on her face.  If a picture could show her personality, this would be it!  I miss her being that little, but love watching her grow!