Surviving the Death of My Son

With October just around the corner, and it being SIDS/Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, it triggered me to jump back into my blogging that I haven't done in a few months.

I hear it often, "You are one of the strongest people I know", and I take it as a compliment, but I don't really consider myself all that strong.  I struggle, and I struggle a lot.  So many people compare tragic stories, trying to decide whose story is the saddest of them all, and we really need to stop doing that.  It is not our job to categorize someone else's tragedy.  Our job is to get through whatever tragedy life may hand us.  Hearing stories similar to mine has helped tremendously in knowing I'm not alone, but to compare losses is counter-productive.

Bentlee would have been approximately 2 1/2 right now, and I would have my hands full with him and my beautiful 1 1/2 year old, Evalee, and would be loving every minute of it.  I think a lot about how they would just love to play with each other, and how much Bentlee would teach Evalee.  I know they would adore each other.

All my life growing up, and maybe I have said this before in a previous blog, but I always wanted a boy first and girl second.  This is where "strength" as some people would call it comes in, and to me, it is more your ability to look at your situation from a different light.  I forced myself to see it like this...I always wanted a son first and a daughter second so that my son would always look out for his little sister, to keep her safe.  I may not have Bentlee here on this Earth to protect her, but in His own way, God did give me what I wanted, because I know Bentlee is in Heaven watching over his sister daily.  This is where I have found that perspective has turned into "strength".  We can all be strong, we just have to adjust the way we look at things.

My daughter brings so much joy to my life, and I want her to grow up knowing that she has a big brother looking out for her, wherever she is, and that he brought, and still brings so much joy to our lives as well.

I never knew I had the ability to survive the death of my son. My heart will be forever broken in many ways, but in order to get through my tragedy, I had to learn to manage, to reach out and ask for help, to let myself talk about my son, and to give myself permission to smile again - because there is SO much to smile about!

Life after SIDS

Cause of Death: Unknown

This is what Bentlee's death certificate reads.  Probably one of the most difficult things I had to deal with and continue to deal with on a daily basis is the "unknown".  Why?  Why my son?  How?  What caused it?

When the medical examiner called me with the autopsy results, he simply said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my son, and that they unfortunately had no medical reasoning as to why he passed away.  I asked him if they could tell if he suffocated, and he said in babies that small, they can't which is why they classify deaths like that as "SIDS".  He explained that even though he couldn't give me a "medical reasoning", their understanding when a baby is found on their belly, not breathing, that the baby "smothered" because it didn't know to turn its head to breathe.  I don't know exactly what happened that day, and I don't beat myself up over it, but SIDS has affected my life deeply in how I live and especially in the decisions I have made in regard to my daughter.

Knowing I was pregnant a week before Bentlee passed away was a true blessing more than anything, but it didn't come without some major anxiety.  

I managed to get through my pregnancy and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen!  Most people tell you to send your baby to the nursery so you can get a few winks of sleep while you are in the hospital, but that's not how it went for me.  I spent very little time sleeping.  Between my mom and I (God bless her), we took turns staying up and watching little Evalee, making sure she didn't stop breathing.  I just didn't trust anyone else, not even the nurses.  Trust was a huge obstacle for me to overcome.  Trust that anyone who watched my child would watch them just as carefully as their own.  I also struggled with the unknown part of everything that had happened with Bentlee.  This made me overly cautious with everything I did with Evalee. 

One of the absolute WORST parts of my hospital stay with Evalee were those videos you had to watch...you know...the car seat and SIDS videos?  Yes, they even made me watch them.  When the nurse came in and found me bawling after the first 5 minutes of the SIDS video, she decided that maybe I didn't need to watch it.  It was at that point that another nurse came in and decided she would tell me that she understood what I was going through because she lost her adult son in a tragic accident.  Tragic, yes, comparable to my situation, No.  I nodded in agreement with tears rolling down my face when all I really wanted to say was "Look lady, I just lost my 3 month old son 9 months ago to an unknown reason, and I am now holding a newborn baby in complete fear that it will happen again!"

Evalee was prescribed an apnea monitor for her first 6 months of life, mainly for my peace of mind.  The type that is better than the ones you can buy in any store, which was a HUGE relief for me. It not only detected her breathing, but also her heart rate.  There were a few false alarms that made me jump out of bed before my brain was even functioning, but it was well worth it. After the first six months, my friend gave me her Angel Care monitor to use which also detected her breathing.  If it weren't for those two devices, I wouldn't have slept at night.

When it came to child care, I knew I wasn't going to be able to let anyone aside from myself or my mom watch Evalee.  I knew that my mom wouldn't let her out of her sight, and would use the monitor religiously.  *Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my mom?!*  My mom was able to work out a VERY flexible schedule with her boss for the first year of Evalee's life.  My mom watched her for me while I went to work.  I can't say that I was 100% anxiety free even with these arrangements, but knowing Evalee was in my mom's care was a huge relief for me.

I had to work out a system with my mom though, to where she would text me if she needed something that wasn't an emergency at work because every time the phone would ring and it was her, I would have a small heart attack.  Anytime I would get a phone call from her when she is watching Evalee I had flashbacks and would immediately go into panic mode.

Now that Evalee is older, she goes to daycare a few mornings a week to get in some socialization with other children her age.  She does really well, and I have grown from it as well.  I can't say I don't worry, because I do, but it's getting better.

If I have more children in the future I will probably be just as much of an over-protective mama, but that is ok by me. :)

Bentlee on the left, Evalee on the right, if you couldn't tell by the pink/blue? :)

May Memories

I haven't posted in a while...but today I have sort of a heavy heart.  May usually brings back some pretty loving memories, but also brings back a lot of sorrow and tears.  With Mother's Day coming up I can't help but feel thankful for the opportunity God has given me to become a mommy of two beautiful babies, but at the same time, I would be lying if I said I wasn't even a little upset with God sometimes.

May of 2011 was a great month in a lot of ways.  I got to experience my first Mother's Day, Bentlee was actually baptized that Mother's day.  He was such a happy boy pretty much all the time.  I was back to work so the time I did get to spend with him I just soaked in.  He was my pride and joy.  We would go on walks after I got off of work, and we would snuggle and watch American Idol after I got done with supper and cleaning up the apartment.  I loved every minute of my time with him, YES, even the sleepless nights!  I also found out I was pregnant with my little Evalee in May of 2011.  About a week after I found out I was pregnant again, Bentlee passed away.  It is just so crazy to me how so much happiness can turn to so much sadness in the blink of an eye. 

I remember specifically one of the things that really triggered my emotions after the loss of my son, and still triggers my emotions to this day is when I log on to Facebook and see people complaining about how their baby never sleeps, or how their pregnancy is just killing them.  I remember being so upset that someone could complain about something I would give anything to have back.  This goes for so many things in life, so I challenge everyone (including myself), that before you complain about something, think about all those people in this world that would give anything to have what you are complaining about, because my friends, it can always be worse.  Not only do I challenge you to think before you complain, but to also thank God every single day for all the blessings we have in this life.

"Count your blessings and your problems….If your problems outnumber your blessings, Count Again….Chances are the things that you take for granted were not added up…"

When tragedy strikes, such as when the bombs went off in Boston, or when those innocent children were slaughtered in that Newtown elementary school, we quickly hold tight to our children and families and give them an extra hug and kiss that night.  Truth is, we should be doing that every night.  Tragedy strikes when we least expect it and nobody is immune to it.   

Tonight, and every night, give your loved ones a kiss for Bentlee, for those Boston victims, for those innocent children killed in Newtown, and just for the mere fact that tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My handsome little man at his 3 month photo shoot in May of 2011 :)

New places...new faces...

Well, I'm back in Des Moines for round 2 of my training.  I didn't have to leave the night before, thank goodness, so I only had 2 nights that I had to find things to do.  Last night I decided to FINALLY get my hair cut.  It's not always easy getting out to even get a simple hair cut when you're a single mom who works full time.  I feel guilty enough leaving my daughter to work 40 hours a week, let alone finding a sitter to watch her while I go do things for myself, so since I was in a big city with plenty of salons to choose from, I decided to get a hair cut and a few highlights. 

I ended up just going to the mall to one of the little walk-in salons.  It was a Tuesday at 4:30, so it was pretty quiet and nobody in the salon except the two stylists who were just chatting.  One of the gals asked what she could do for me and I just said I needed a trim and a few highlights.  She brought me back to her station, combed through my hair, and said..."wow, you have long hair."  I just laughed and said, "yea, I am a single mom and I work full time, so I don't find a lot of time to do things for myself."  I just told her I was in Des Moines for a training and decided to take advantage of some free time.  She said, "I'm a single mom, too, have been for 7 years".  At that point I kind of felt connected to her.  We went on to chat about the joys of having daughters and the sadness of failed relationships...it turned out we had a lot in common, and it was kind of refreshing to chat with someone who had a lot of the same joys and struggles as myself.

When we were all done, I went up to pay and she told me my total.  I took some cash out (including a decent sized tip), I said thank you, handed her the cash, said I didn't need any change, and walked out.  I hope she does something fun with her daughter or something for herself with the tip money.  As a single mom/parent, it's not always easy to find the time - or money - to do fun things for yourself, or with your children.  We sometimes get so caught up in being responsible for providing for our children that we forget to take time to actually spend with them or go do something for ourselves.

I enjoyed my visit with her, and I know I will probably never see her again, and that's ok.  I hope she took something away from our visit, too.  Sometimes it's not only the people who are in our lives every day that have an impact on us.  It can be anyone, anywhere, at any time. 

As for now, I am in my sweats with my T.V. on in my hotel room...



I have one more day of training left tomorrow, and then I get to go home to see my beautiful daughter.  :)

You can't control the cards you're dealt...

There are many times in life a person may wonder "why me?"  We are all dealt cards in life that may not seem fair, and may be difficult cards to play in this game of life.  I didn't choose to have my sister die at a young age or to lose my son at 3 1/2 months old, but the fact of the matter is, we don't get to choose the cards we are dealt...we can only determine how we play the hand.

After my son died I could have curled up in a ball in my bed and been miserable...(which I did for a while).  I didn't get out much or talk to many people, but I came to the realization that mourning and being sad for the rest of my life wasn't going to solve my problems...and it most certainly wasn't going to bring my son back.  I had another little blessing on the way, and it was my job to make a good life not only for her, but for myself.  I had several stumbles along the way and had to make a lot of very hard decissions regarding who was going to stay in my (our) life/lives and who had to go.  Fortunately, even though God handed me this very difficult card, he also gave me the strength and the knowledge to play it in a way that would not only help me cope, but to come out a happier, stronger individual.  I am a true believer in that "The will of God will not take you where the Grace of God will not keep you". 

I have also learned that the "how you play the hand" part is very vital in the outcome of your life.  If I had not played the cards I was dealt in the way that I did, my life would be drastically different than it is today, and not in a good way. 

You may wonder why people who endure such tragedy are some of the happiest people you encounter.  To some it may seem that they are "heartless", it may seem like the tragedy hasn't effected them, but most of the time, the reality is that they have decided to take the "cards" they were dealt and play them in such a way to not only change their lives, but the lives of others they come in contact with. 

The next time you are handed a "card" you are certain is going to make you lose the "game", don't give up...take a look at the rest of your "hand", and make the most of what you've got!  You may have worse "cards" than a lot of people, but if you play them right, you just may win the game!   

First time for everything...

Well, as I type this I am currently laying on my king size bed in my Stoney Creek hotel room in Des Moines.  It is my last night here (with one day of training left tomorrow), and I must say I am very ready to go home.  I had to leave on Monday due to the weather possibly being icky Tuesday morning for travel, and I was not pleased that I had to do that as it was the first time I was going to leave my daughter over-night (let alone 3 nights!!) Not to mention I had NOTHING packed and NOTHING prepared for my mom (who was going to watch my daughter for 3 days)!  I was in a panic and quite emotional.

A lot of you are probably thinking "suck-it-up, buttercup, we all have to do it at some point", others are probably thinking "why wouldn't you be excited to have some 'me' time?!"  Well, you see...it's not that I couldn't use some "me" time, or that I feel like I am the only poor soul that has to leave their baby overnight because I know there are many moms that have to do it.  I have come a long way since the traumatic day that I lost my son to SIDS, but I would be lying if I said I never worry about it happening again.  My daughter is 13 months old and I still use an Angel Care monitor at night to detect her breathing (simply for my peace of mind). 

It's not that I don't trust her in the care of other people - even though I am picky about who watches her - it's just that knowing I would be in close proximity to her if something were to happen makes me feel better.  After a child reaches even 6 months of age, their risk of SIDS is greatly reduced, but it doesn't mean it can't happen.  So, I still worry about it somewhat, and that is probably something I will never get over...even with any babies in the future.

That being said, I also miss my baby girl terribly and I can't wait to get home!  I have enjoyed having a few drinks, visiting my brother-in-law and nephew, and going shopping and eating at the Cheesecake Factory for the first time...yes, that piece of chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake was worth every single calorie!  I have one more day of training tomorrow and then I am home bound.

But with that, I am going to sign-out, watch American Idol, and get some shut-eye.  :)

A Job Well Done...

Since I was stuck on something to write about, I went looking through pictures...they say a picture is worth a thousand words...and this picture certainly does it for me. 

2 1/2 of the 4 years of college I had, I worked for a non-profit organization called Girls Inc.  It is an after school and summer program for girls ages 6-18.  I started out as a teacher in the SMART Center and also helped out in the tutoring center, and eventually was promoted to the Administrative Coordinator.  I loved my job...the people I worked with, the girls, everything about it.  The people I met and the experiences I had during my 2 1/2 years at Girls Inc, changed my life.



In this picture we were ice-skating (if you can't tell - haha).  One of the many fun things we got to enjoy with the girls.  What a perfect job...you almost got to experience getting to be a kid again, but at the same time, are impacting girls in such a positive way. 

There have been many times in the years since I have left Girls Inc, that I have struggled with certain things in my life, and I have to admit, have done some things that I would never have advised the girls I worked with to do.  As I have dealt with some of my struggles in life, I have asked myself..."What would I have told one of those girls to do?  What would my advice to them have been?"  I look back at myself at that point in my life and realize that the answer to our problems is never usually too far away...it's just sometimes so hard to see the solution when you are in the middle of the chaos.

It amazes me how much you can learn from children.  When I was working at Girls Inc, I was years away from becoming a mom myself yet, but I felt so much like a mother figure to all of those girls.  They taught me so much, and I can only hope that I left a positive imprint on their lives as well.  Amazingly, I still keep in contact with so many of those girls, their parents, and my fellow co-workers from that time in my life, and it is so fun to watch how much all of those lives have changed in such a positive way. 

It sometimes saddens me to look back at that point in my life because of all the wonderful memories I had with such remarkable people, but at the same time look back with such awe at how much I have learned from those experiences and how much I have grown since then.  What a gift it was to meet such wonderful people and to have most of them still in my life today.

Just another day at the office...

One of my co-workers and I have a small obsession with Maurices...so today she asked me if I wanted to go check out Maruices during lunch break...I of course am broke until payday, but how can you resist a trip to such a great store?  I immediately found a pair of shoes I *almost* couldn't resist...I am secretly praying they still have my size next Friday when I get paid so I can go back and get them...we then went to the bakery for lunch which is always a good choice. 

I tell you...this co-worker of mine...she has heard IT ALL from me!  She has seen me at my worst and my best...we laugh...A LOT...in the office.  I admire her a lot for many things she does.  She has been my sounding board on many occasions, and I hope she's reading this because she has really made my job enjoyable, and my life more tolerable a lot of times!

There are 3 of us in my office...and we all have such a great time...at least I do...haha!  We deal with a lot of crazy, frustrating situations and I have learned that instead of taking it personally...you just learn to laugh about it...laugh at the silly things people do and say, and the crazy situations people get themselves into.  It seems like every day I go to work I end up going home thankful for something different.  Whether it be thankful that I just simply have common sense, or on a more serious note, thankful that I have family that is always there to help me out.

If I have learned anything through my work, it's that those of us who have family/friends/neighbors that are willing to help us out during a difficult time, whether it be financial or emotional, are extremely lucky.  Not everyone has that kind of support, and I know I thank my lucky stars every day for my support system.  Without them I don't know what I would do or where I would be. 

I think the saying goes..."What if we woke up tomorrow with only the things we thanked God for yesterday?"  Everyone has problems...everyone has something in their life they wish were better...but the truth is...it could always be worse.  If we all threw our problems into a huge pile, we would grab ours back pretty quickly.  I firmly believe God equips those he hands certain struggles to with the ability to handle those struggles, and we are given certain people in life to help us through. 

I am glad I get to help people in my line of work...some appreciate it...some don't...but in the end, regardless of whether they appreciate it or not...whether they really deserve the help or not, I am still helping people.  A lot of the time they leave my office with a weight lifted off their shoulders, and who doesn't need that once in a while?

Although I am thankful for my job, I am also very thankful for my weekends!  There is truly nothing better than spending time with my daughter!  I was very ready to see 4:30 come today, and I am happy to be home in my sweats.  :)

Remember to be thankful every day for the things in your life that you would be devastated to wake up without tomorrow!

Our children are only ever lent to us...

Most people that know me know that I've lost a son...but most don't know all the details aside from those pretty close to me.  I haven't openly discussed it with many people I know because I think people get uncomfortable talking about it...or even listening to me talk about it...but this is my version of what happened that day...

It was a Thursday...any normal Thursday for me.  I had watched the American Idol season finale the night before..Scotty won...anywhoo...I went to work and Bentlee's father was watching him for a couple of hours before he went to work. He dropped him off with his babysitter around 10 a.m.  I had a meeting that night, so my mom was going to pick Bentlee up from the babysitter by 5 and I would pick him up from her when I got done with my meeting.

I was typically in my office alone as we were between staff people, but my boss was up for the day to go to the meeting with me.  I had gotten a few phone calls from a random sales person earlier that day on my cell phone, so when I went to take my garbage out to the dumpster in back and heard my phone go off I didn't think anything of it.  As I was walking back up to my office my phone was ringing again...and all I could think was "Goodness...that guy really want to sell me something!!"  I looked at my phone and to my surprised I had two missed calls from my son's babysitter.  I tried calling her back and got her voicemail.  I had a voicemail on my phone so I called and what I heard put me into a shock...all I really remember being said on the voicemail is "he's not breathing!"  In a frantic panic I yelled for my boss and said "I have go to...my son's not breathing!"  I then called the sitter's phone back...this time a police officer answered.  At this point I'm bascially screaming...asking where my son is...if he's ok...he wouldn't answer my question as to if he's ok...he just told me he was being transported to the Orange City Hospital, and I needed to get there A.S.A.P.

My boss of course would not let me drive myself...thank goodness...we hopped in her work vehicle and she drove me as fast as she could to the hospital where my son apparently was going.  I called the hospital and and talked to the E.R. nurse and she wouldn't give me any answers either...just simply said again that I needed to get there A.S.A.P. but that he was indeed there...her exact words were "he's not breathing very well, and the doctors are working on him".  At that point a million things were running through my mind.  I called his father and told him to get there fast, and called my mom to tell her to not pick Bentlee up from the sitter's that he was at the hospital...she of course rushed there as well. 

When I FINALLY got there...even though the normal 15-20 minute commute took us between 7-10 minutes, it seemed like an eternity...they put me into a room and had me wait...and wait...and wait...my boss stayed with me until Bentlee's dad got there...and right as he walked in the door, so did the doctor.  The look on the doctor's face was not reassuring.  He simply said "I'm sorry...there's nothing else we can do."  I just remember asking "What happened to him?!?!"  The doctor couldn't answer that question...he just said it appeared as though he "stopped breathing"...it looked like a "SIDS case" he said...I knew what SIDS was, but at that point, I didn't understand how...how could he "just stop breathing"?  They didn't mention how he was found (back/stomach etc...) and I guess I just assumed he was on his back and just stopped breathing for no known reason...at that point, I was in complete shock...and that was the last thing on my brain...those questions came a little later...

Close family slowly started to trickle in...I got a lot of solid hugs...lots of people sobbing...I kept my head down a lot...I don't really remember a lot of faces.  Bentlee's pediatrician came from labor and delivery once she heard the news to try and somewhat comfort us that it wasn't our fault...that SIDS isn't anyone's fault...somewhere in the midst of all the chaos we (Bentlee's father and I) were brought back to where he was...something I won't go into much detail about because it was "our time" with him...but we did get to see him.

Eventually...after discussing funeral homes and autopsy things, we didn't have anything left to do at the hospital and we left.  Bentlee's father and I went to the babysitter's house...gave hugs...explained what we knew...tried to somewhat comfort...shed some more tears and picked up Bentlee's things. 

We didn't call many people at all because we didn't really want anyone to know quite yet, but I did get a few text messages from people who had heard through the grapevine and had a few people try to call me...I made one phone call that day to my friend Teri...I'm sure she remembers the conversation well...we talk about it every now and then.  She couldn't believe how calm I was...but I had cried all afternoon...and was pretty much out of tears at that point...

The next few days brought many more tears...lots of arrangements...lots of anger...mood swings...hugs...break downs...more hugs...more tears...lots of calls....lots of people wanting information...nosey people...it's amazing how many people want to be your friend on Facebook when they hear something tragic happened!  I got plenty of friend requests.  Amongst all of that, I had to tell my family I was pregnant...just to be sure I was taking care of myself during this time...

The funeral was small...we didn't put it in the paper prior...we notified who we wanted to be there...I am not someone who wanted a bunch of fake people there for a show...

I think the hardest thing was adjusting to not having to care for another little human being anymore...atleast not one living outside my body...I was so used to focusing all my attention on him that I didn't know how to focus on myself anymore...I didn't know what to do with myself.  I submersed myself in work and just making sure I was being healthy...I did talk to a few "couselor" type figures and talked to my doctor a lot at my prenatal visists during my second pregnancy.  A pregnancy I pretty much kept a secret...

A lot of people would tell me how strong I was, and that was really the last thing I considered myself to be...in my eyes I was a complete mess who was trying her hardest just to make it through...my pregnancy was pretty much the only thing keeping me going...knowing I had something to look forward to again...knowing I was going to have the chance to care for another little person again.

If I have learned anything through this tragedy, it is that our children are only ever lent to us.  Hold them closely every single day! 

From the top...

I have always kind of been a writer, but have never much been into the blogging scene.  I enjoy reading other people's blogs, so I thought I would give it a try.

In order to completely grasp what I'm here for, I should probably get into a little bit about my past...althought that can be kind of scary at times...but here it goes...

After high school, I spent 4 years in Sioux City going to college and working full time.  I met a lot of really great people who have become true staples in my life.  Once I graduated from college - with an Associate Degree mind you - yes, I went to school for 4 years and came out with an Associate Degree...I guess that's what happens to people with indecisive minds.  Anywhoo, once I got my degree, unable to find a decent paying job in Sioux City, I moved back home where I found a job in a field I enjoy.  I am currently still employed with the same Non-Profit, and I love my job. 

Somewhere in the midst of all the school and work business, I met a guy...well...reconnected with a guy...who I went to high school with.  We hit it off and started dating...not too far down that dating road, I found myself pregnant...needless to say my family (especially my parents) weren't overly excited by this news.  In my small, conservative hometown, I think it would be safe to say that it is frowned upon to become pregnant out of wedlock - not that it doesn't happen.  It was a bumpy, pregnant road, but I managed and 9 months later found myself very in love with the most beautiful little human being I could have ever imagined.  It's moments like those you never forget in life...the moments that truly take your breath away...yes, they exist.  I gave birth to my perfect 7 lb. 3 oz baby boy, Bentlee Jacob on February 11, 2011.  I couldn't have been more proud at that moment in my life. 

I had scrounged enough savings to be able to stay home for around 2 1/2 months with him on maternity leave, and I loved every sleepless night of it.  I wasn't one of the fortuate ones who was able to be a stay-at-home mom, althought I would have loved to be.  About a month of me being back to work, I got a phone call that I think stopped my heart...my son was not breating and I was informed to go to the hospital as soon as I could.  I called his father and we both rushed down there.  May 26, 2011 changed my life more deeply than I think any day of my life ever will.  The doctor tragically informed us that there was nothing they could do.  Our son had passed from what they believed was SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).  I suppose that is something I will elaborate on in another post.

What most people didn't know at that time, aside from dealing with the death of my son, I had also newly found out (via home pregnancy test) about a week before his death, that I was pregnant again...yes...my son was 3 1/2 months old and I was pregnant...again...and again out of wedlock.  It was a roar of mixed emotions about a lot of things...and I had a lot of decissions to make between then and now...and obvioulsy...I am still here, alive and well.

About 9 months after the death of my son, I became a mama for the 2nd time.  I brought into the world a healthy 9 lb. 5 oz. sweet baby girl...who is now a feisty 1 year old and my entire world. 

I hope to elaborate on a few things in my blog ;), but that is the last 2 years in a nut-shell...a very small nut-shell.