If you would have told me ten years ago that I would end up a single mom, I would have told you that you were crazy. I in no way shape or form thought I would be raising a child solo, but life takes us by surprise from time to time. The last four years of single-motherhood have definitely proven to be different than what I had envisioned for myself ten years ago. I never imagined I would be raising a beautiful little girl by myself, let alone without the help or financial support of her biological father. The last four years have been nothing short of both gut-wrenchingly difficult, and breathtakingly amazing. During my time as a single-mommy, I feel like I have learned a thing or two, even though some days it still feels like I know nothing! Here are a few things, though, that I am fairly certain about...
People will judge you.
I mean, let's be honest here, we are all judged for one reason or another, appearance, job, house, car, you name it, and the title "single mom" is just another thing you can add to your plate of things to be judged for. Some people will assume they know exactly how you ended up in the boat you are in, while other's don't care how you ended up there, they judge you merely on the fact that you are single and a mom. Some feel sorry for you while others comment on how much they admire your strength. Regardless of how others feel about your or your particular situation, it is important to remember that it's really none of your business what they think about you.
One income vs. two SUCKS.
You think it's hard supporting a family on two incomes? Try supporting a child (or more) on one modest income. Add to that the fact that in order to earn that one modest income, you have no choice but to place your child in daycare, which most two income households fret about. You start wondering why you don't just stay home with your child(ren) when it seems pointless to work and spend such an enormous amount of your paycheck on daycare, and then you are reminded that you kind of need to buy food and pay bills and stuff. There are so many times that there is more month than money at the end of your paychecks, and you have to look in your grocery cart and decide what you are going to put back so you can pay your electric bill this month. Then there is also that occassion when you have to explain to people/co-workers why you aren't going to that funraising event that is $25 per ticket and you simply just can't afford to go because your child needs new Spring/Summer shoes and clothes. On the flipside, there is a lot of pride that comes with being the sole provider and handling it like a champ. You really learn to prioritize.
You can't do it alone.
It truly does take a village to raise a child...especially when you are a single mom. Just because I am doing this gig solo, doesn't mean I am completely alone in this journey. My child, and myself, are loved by many. Family, friends, and my out of this world daycare provider are a few of the many individuals who have been there along the way to support, encourage, and guarantee that when I need someone else to watch my kiddo, she is in fantastic care.
Feeling lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and guilty are pretty normal.
There have been many days when everything seems to go wrong. A couple of weeks ago in particular was one of those days. Work had been stressful that previous week, it had been snowing mountains, the dog couldn't wait an extra 30 seconds to go outside while I was trying to convince my screaming, small human that it is a good idea to wear clothes to daycare, and not a good idea to bring every stuffed animal she owns, all while I try to make sure that I at least remember to put shoes on myself. When we finally got in the car and were ready to head down the road, the Jeep wouldn't start (again). I called my dad, who lives about 15 minutes away, and he came to pick us up. I dropped my dad back off at his house and took my parents' van to drop off my daughter at daycare and go to work. It wasn't until I got to her daycare that I realized I wasn't wearing my glasses and didn't have my purse. At that time, I did what any self-respecting, capable mother would do: I cried. Some days are harder than others. Some days, though, are a breeze and are filled with laughter and cuddles and make everything right again. Emotions tend to magnify when there's no other adult around to bounce them off of, and that's ok. It just reminds us that we are human.
"Me" time is practically nonexistent, but very, very important.
I am going to be honest here, I am a terrible friend. I have friends who I love dearly that I simply just don't see because I am just too busy being a single, working mom. My daughter doesn't have a dad that she goes and sees on the weekends, I don't have the money for a babysitter, my mom isn't always available to watch my daughter, and sometimes, I'm frankly just too exhausted to go out and do anything after I get done with work, caring for my daughter, and trying to complete the other never ending tasks that I somehow need to find time for. Although I don't get out a lot, and don't have a lot of time to myself, I have found that it is vital that I do something for me from time to time, even if that is simply a trip to the grocery store alone. It's amazing how refreshing it can be to wander the isles of a grocery store with no rush or distractions.
A Last Will and Testament is something you think about, a lot.
Even though it is important for anyone to have a Last Will and Testament when you have children, it is something that has been on my mind since before my daughter was born. For me, being a single mother meant rewriting my Last Will and Testament twenty times because I would do anything to prevent my child from falling into the hands of my past (her biological father). Safety and happiness weren't part of my past relationship with her biological father even though things like black eyes, fat lips, and bruises weren't always present. I would have and will do anything possible to ensure that my child is safe and taken care of if I am unable to be here on this Earth to care for her.
For many, becoming a single parent is terrifying and exhausting at best, but for me, it was far easier and safer than the previous alternative. With the help of my fantastic attorney, and a whole lot of grit and patience, I was able to get Evalee's biological father's rights terminated this past summer. Although he had never been a part of her life or supported her in any way, there was always that slim chance that he could make the decision to walk back into my (our) life and turn it upside down. You see, Evalee and I are not victims of circumstance. I carved out this life, despite its inevitable difficulties, because I knew that regardless of how hard it was going to be, we would be happier, healthier, and safer on our own. And we are. Often the right choice isn't the easy choice. If I had a crystal ball and knew years ago that this would ultimately be how my (our) life would turn out, would I do anything differently? It's hard to say, but what I know for sure is that nothing in this life happens by accident, and even if I never do another worthwhile thing the rest of my life, I know that creating her and being her mommy is and will be the best thing I have ever done.
